Capitol Games: Where Principles Compete to Die (II)

Continuation of a satire on U.S. politics: where elected “athletes” trade principles for power in a surreal decathlon of groveling and ideological gymnastics.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” — Groucho Marx

Arun Kumar

Last week I had posted the scoop about “Capitol Games: Where Principles Compete to Die.” In there, I had mentioned four games that are played in the marbled rotunda of the Capitol — The 400-Meter Dash to Indignity; The Ideological Shotput; The Kneel Relay; The Change Color Sprint. After the post came out, I got a call from a Capitol Insider who passed on tip that actually it is a Capitol Decathlon. While we were having a coffee in a hushed café, he passed on a slip under the table and gave the scoop on what the individual games in the Capitol Decathlon. Without revealing the name of the whistleblower, I am providing them verbatim.

Event 1: The Pants Drop Sprint

The gun has not even fired yet, and several lawmakers are already halfway through disrobing. The goal? To shed their convictions faster than an intern sheds idealism.

Senator Flipson from Texas often sets a new record and betters his own numbers — his trousers are around his ankles before the national anthem finishes. He salutes the flag anyway, because that is what patriotism looks like in 2025: pantless and polling well.

Event 2: The Flip-Flop Hurdles

Contestants must clear a series of ideological hurdles while switching positions mid-jump.

Representative Backtrack from Ohio aces it. He clears the gun rights hurdle while simultaneously rebranding himself as a champion of mental health. His campaign slogan: “Thoughts, Prayers, and Background Checks (Maybe)”.

Event 3: The Grovel Vault

The bar is set high, but that does not stop Senator Kneesly from attempting the triple-spin grovel vault. He launches into a convoluted speech about his “deeply held values,” but mid-air pirouettes into a full-throated endorsement of the very bill he filibustered last week.

He sticks the landing. The crowd of lobbyists goes wild.

Event 4: The Endorsement Crawl

Contestants must slither, squirm, and belly-slide across the floor of the Senate chamber toward a glowing orb labeled “POTUS Favor.”

Some crawl so fast they generate rug burns and minor existential crises. One junior representative tries to stand halfway through but collapses under the weight of a donor spreadsheet and a lukewarm News poll.

Event 5: The Lobbyist Tug-of-War

The teams are… well, undefined. Everyone is being pulled in multiple directions. Fossil fuel money tugs left, pharma yanks right, and Big Tech applies an algorithmic nudge straight into an ethics violation.

Senator Gridlock holds on valiantly until a check from an oil executive lands in his lap. He drops the rope and announces a “sincere pivot toward energy independence.”

Event 6: The Outrage Relay

Each competitor must pass the baton of manufactured outrage within a ten-second news cycle.

Congresswoman Screech leads off, screaming about library books. She passes to Senator Fearbait, who sprints forward shouting something about gender-neutral pronouns ending civilization. The anchor leg is run by Representative Flashpoint, who hurls the baton into a TikTok hearing while shouting, “My constituents are under attack!”

The judges award bonus points for the loudness.

Event 7: The Loyalty Kneel

It is a fan favorite. Lawmakers compete to kneel the fastest when confronted with a vague presidential nod.

There is a pileup in Lane 3 — too many candidates drop simultaneously and their foreheads clunk like bowling balls. One stands briefly, confused, until an aide whispers, “Sir, the President just mentioned your district on Truth Social.” He immediately collapses into contrition.

Event 8: The Media Spin Toss

Each contestant selects a political failure and hurls it into the spin cycle until it emerges as success.

Senator Denial takes the stage: “What looks like a government shutdown is actually a strategic legislative siesta.” He gestures wildly. “The Founders would be proud.” A nearby intern mutters, “I think one of them just rolled over in his grave.”

Event 9: The Culture War Shotput

This one is messy. Competitors launch inflammatory issues into the national conversation with the goal of dividing voters and distracting from actual governance.

Today’s shotput topics include:

• Banning drag story hours in towns with no libraries
• Declaring war on wind turbines
• And issuing press releases condemning Taylor Swift’s geopolitical influence

Congressman Hysteria throws the farthest, shouting, “Patriotism starts with banning electric toothbrushes!”

Event 10: The Chameleon Change-Up

The final event. Each participant must change their position, personality, and personal pronouns (for branding purposes) in under 30 seconds.

Representative Rebrand walks in as a pro-choice centrist and exits as a “pro-life, pro-liberty, pro-low-carb traditionalist.” Her new campaign ad drops before she even clears the stage.

Ciao, and thanks for reading.