Absurdity and Angst: Exploring Two Moods of Being

A meditation on absurdity and angst — two moods that shape our search for meaning in a silent, indifferent universe.

If absurdity is the slapstick humor existence offers, angst is its silent fog — something existence must occasionally walk through.

Arun Kumar

Summary: We explore the quiet tension between absurdity and existential angst — two moods that arise from our search for meaning in an indifferent universe. Through personal reflection about happenings in life, we examine how absurdity may provoke laughter or resignation, angst lingers as a fog of unease, demanding deeper contemplation.

Perhaps it is just me, but I know and feel absurdity far more viscerally than angst. Absurdity leaps out from the folds of daily life, often with a kind of comical clarity, while angst lurks in the shadows — diffuse, elusive, harder to name. Absurdity is the punchline of reality’s joke played on us; angst is the quiet dread that there may be no joke at all to enliven the circumstance.

Let us begin with definitions. Absurdity, as the dictionary puts it, is “the quality or state of being ridiculous or wildly unreasonable.” It arises from the mismatch between our expectations and what reality delivers — a jarring incongruity that prompts us to mutter, “This is absurd.” And indeed, examples abound.

You go to the beach on a sunny day, no forecast of rain, and yet a rogue cloud builds directly overhead. Within minutes, you are drenched, scrambling to save your belongings from a ten-minute deluge. Absurd.

You drive forty minutes to a warehouse store for a couple of bottles of Chianti Classico you have recently come to enjoy. But the shelf is empty for the first time, and just when you were looking forward to savoring its aroma that evening. The long drive, the time spent, and the thwarted anticipation all seem absurd.

You leave early for a doctor’s appointment, carefully navigating unexpectedly heavy traffic, and arrive just in time only to wait another hour because they are running late. The whole sequence of events feels absurd.

These moments are neither tragic nor deeply consequential, nor are they particularly unsettling. They simply remind us of the universe’s indifference to our intentions. Absurdity arises from the collision between our desire for order and the world’s refusal to cooperate. It is a microcosm of what Albert Camus described as “the confrontation between the human need for meaning and the unreasonable silence of the world towards that need.” The absurd lies in the persistent, unanswered need for meaning from the very universe that made our existence possible.

Angst, by contrast, is harder to pin down — at least for me. The dictionary defines it as “a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.” It is a vague sensation that, even when everything appears normal, something ominous looms just beyond perception. It is not fear of anything specific, but a diffuse uneasy sense that something is missing, though you cannot quite say what.

Real-life examples of angst are harder to enumerate, less accessible than those of absurdity. You wake up on a Sunday morning with no obligations; you look forward to enjoying a day without commitment. An hour later, however, you start to feel a strange restlessness. You aimlessly wander through the house, pick up a book, put it down. You do not quite know what to do with the time affluence the day has offered, and its weight feels heavy. That is the feeling of angst.

You have reached retirement after decades of work, financial planning, and anticipation of life ahead. The calendar is open, the pressure is gone, and yet… a strange unease sets in. You wonder: What now? What will give my days a meaning without deadlines or deliverables? The feeling is more than boredom; it is a deeper disquiet, a sense that although some essential ingredient is missing, you cannot quite name it. That is angst.

You are awake at 2 a.m. — not jolted by a nightmare but stirred by a vague sense that something is not right. You lie there, staring at the ceiling, turning over your relationships, your choices, your future. There is no crisis, no clear problem, just a quiet, persistent unease. You feel untethered, as if the ground beneath your life is shifting, or might shift without warning. That is angst.

If absurdity is the slapstick humor existence offers, angst is its silent fog — something existence must occasionally walk through. Angst does not announce itself with thunder or empty shelves; it drifts in during moments of stillness, when the scaffolding of what once seemed certain, or desirable begins to tremble.

Now, what of existential angst?

The term “existential” refers to our existence — the finite slice of time between birth and death. It is a span so brief it barely registers against the vast backdrop of cosmic time. The absurdity of existence is, in some ways, is easy to grasp: all that we do in that fleeting interval — our struggles, ambitions, joys, and suffering — seems to amount to nothing in the end. We build, we strive, we love, we win, we lose, and then we vanish. The universe that made our existence possible does not blink, and that indifference feels absurd.

Existential angst is the emotional response to recognizing the absurdity of our condition. It is the unease that arises from realizing that life holds no inherent meaning. It is not merely the fear of death, but the disquiet of living without a guaranteed purpose. It is the sense that something essential is missing, perhaps justification for existence itself.

Unlike absurdity, which often provokes laughter or resignation, existential angst invites reflection and can lead to a quiet despair born of not knowing what to do, or how to make sense of our existence.

Perhaps, in the future when instances of angst occur, when the fog rolls in, it will be worth pausing and internalizing such events. Over time, this practice may deepen our visceral understanding of angst and help us grasp its contours more clearly.

And, by understanding it better, we may find a way to live in peace with it.

Ciao, and thanks for reading.

 

A Bus Ride in Tuscany

On a Tuscan bus ride, a retired traveler reflects on aging, mortality, and the quiet wisdom of an eighty-nine-year-old companion.

Wisdom cannot be captured in words. It lives in the way we choose to find joy and meaning.

Arun Kumar

Summary: A reflective essay set on a bus ride in Tuscany, where we contemplate aging, mortality, and joy through the quiet presence of an eighty-nine-year-old fellow traveler. Retirement, time affluence, and the joy of lived experience converge in a meditation on how to shape meaning in the later chapters of life.

I am sitting in a bus travelling down some highway in Tuscany. It feels oddly formal to call this a vacation. Since retiring in early 2025, my days — unlike the tightly scheduled ones of working life — have taken on a loose, fluid rhythm. In theory, I am perpetually free. The calendar is mine to shape. I am, as they say, the master of my own domain.

Yet the word “vacation” [vacacioun, “freedom from obligations, leisure, release” (from some activity or occupation)] carries the scent of escape — a vacating from something, a sanctioned pause from toil, a brief reprieve from the relentless pursuit of productivity. But in retirement, when the calendar is no longer crowded and the demands have softened, what exactly am I escaping from?

Perhaps some words just become a matter of habit. Perhaps their continued use is an inertia that becomes a part of our psyche. And so, the term “vacation” persists — not because it fits, but because it gestures toward a shift, a departure, a moment of intentional difference. Maybe trips like this will always wear that label.

This trip to Italy is our first formal journey since my retirement. We chose an arranged tour which is an act of deliberate surrender. After years of self-planned travel, this was a planned outsourcing of effort. Let someone else manage the trains, the hotels, the museum tickets. Let us simply be passengers, not planners. And so, we find ourselves on a bus with forty-eight other souls.

Among our fellow travelers is Margaret. She will turn eighty-nine in a few days, and when she does, we will all gather to sing “Happy Birthday” to her. But even before the celebration, Margaret has already become a quiet beacon. She is not merely present — she is luminous. There is something in her bearing that draws my attention, something both inspiring and elusive.

Watching her, I begin to wonder: What is her perspective on life? What does the day ahead mean to someone who has lived nine decades? Does she wake with plans, or with a quiet openness to whatever the day may bring? Does her mind drift far into the future, or does it mostly rest in the now — because at her age, “far into the future” is no longer be a meaningful concept.

And what of joy — does hers carry the weight of mortality, or has that awareness becomes a kind of liberation? A quiet acknowledgment: I do not have many days left, so why not savor what remains?

I am sixty-seven. Twenty-two years younger than Margaret, and I feel the gravitational pull of her presence — an invitation to imagine my own future self. If I am fortunate enough to reach her age, how will I view the days that remain? Will I sip wine with the same anticipation I do now? Will I still seek novelty, or will I find comfort in repetition? Will I fear the end, or will I have made peace with it?

These questions accompany me as we drive from Montecatini to Cinque Terre, the Tuscan hills rolling past the window like a slow procession of time. I find myself half-listening to the guide’s commentary, half-drifting into reverie. I imagine sitting with Margaret at a seaside café — coffee and croissant between us, the Mediterranean breeze tousling our hair. I would ask her about her inner landscape. What has changed in her thinking over the years? What has softened, what has sharpened? What does she know now that she did not at 67?

Perhaps she would tell me that joy becomes simpler with age. That the grandeur of ambition fades, and the small pleasures — sunlight on stone, the taste of a ripe peach — are the pleasures one seeks. Perhaps she would say that mortality, once feared, has become a quiet presence. Not ominous but liberating.

Or perhaps she would say nothing at all. Perhaps her wisdom cannot be captured in words. It lives in the way she looks at the world, in the way she smiles at her fellow passengers, in the way she chooses to be delighted.

In contemplating Margaret, I am really contemplating myself and my future self. Retirement has given me time affluence, but affluence did not come with wisdom on utilizing it. For not to be wasted, it must be shaped and questioned. And so, I ask: How do I want to age? Not just physically, but philosophically and spiritually. What kind of an older person do I hope to become? In doing that, I want to learn her secret.

As the bus winds its way toward the coast of Cinque Terre, I feel a quite gratitude. For accidentally knowing Margaret. For Tuscany. For the awareness of questions that have no easy answers. For the serendipitous chance to imagine a future self who is not afraid of endings, but who finds a beginning in each day.

In a few days, we will all disperse to go our own ways and will say farewells. The vision of Margret will be my memory from this vacation.

Ciao, and thanks for reading.

 

Flashes in the Internet Sky: A Retrospective at 200 Posts

Marking 200 posts, I reflect on writing, mortality, retirement, and the quiet joy of inquiry in a world overflowing with words.

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect — Anaïs Nin

Arun Kumar

Summary: A contemplative reflection marking 200 posts, this essay explores writing as a practice of presence, adaptation, and inquiry. From evolution and mortality to retirement and pickleball, it traces a journey of thought shaped by time affluence, existential curiosity to keep asking deeper questions.

My first post on Medium was published on August 1, 2021, titled “I have something to say, would you be interested?” It emerged from a quiet contemplation: in an age of the internet and practically infinite content, how does one’s voice find its place? The web’s explosive growth has created a vast, ever-expanding universe of words — so wide that being found within it feels like a cosmically improbable event.

In that post, I questioned whether originality was still a prerequisite for resonance. Must every idea be new to matter? Or can recycled concepts, reframed, still strike a chord? I suggested that a blog post, like a supernova, does not need to be groundbreaking to illuminate. Its value lies in the moment it “flashes” into someone’s field of view — when its words, however familiar, feel freshly lit against the backdrop of their attention.

I concluded with a line that became my manifesto: “If the words [you write and post] flash through the right part of the internet sky that I look at, I am interested in what you have to say.” That sentence gave me permission not to be exceptional, but simply to write and offer my thoughts. And that was enough to begin. Since then, the journey has continued.

And today, on September 3rd, I mark my 200th post.

I am quite proud of having stayed the course — committed to posting at least once a week, with each article scheduled for Saturday at 10 a.m. Writing has become a steady companion, a definitive part of my portfolio of activities. It is self-sustaining, requiring no coordination with others, and as long as my cognitive faculties remain intact, it is something I can continue indefinitely (though, of course, there is the ultimate limit set by mortality).

Writing also serves as a kind of existential pivot. If physical pursuits like pickleball were ever to fall away due to injury or age, writing would remain — a durable backup, and perhaps even a primary engagement. It has given purpose and meaning to reading and deepened my commitment to continued learning.

Over the past year, the emergence of AI tools like ChatGPT and Copilot has made the learning process more fluid and accessible. They have become collaborators of sorts — sparring partners, sounding boards, and accelerants to thought.

Across these two hundred posts, a distinct cluster of themes has emerged, each orbiting the central questions of change, meaning, and the human condition. Evolution and the inevitability of biological emergence — natural selection, adaptation, and the architecture of the senses — have been recurring subjects, explored through the lenses of biology, psychology, and perception. Journaling has served as both method and mirror, capturing reflections on mortality, existential inquiry, and the transition into retirement. Philosophy threads through it all. sometimes solemn, sometimes playful. probing the contours of selfhood, time, and truth. Politics appears occasionally, reflecting what is currently going on. And humor, ever present, provides levity — a reminder that even amid meditative musings, the absurdity of life deserves its own space. Together, these themes trace a journey of change, aging, and the quiet passage of time.

At this stage of life, certain aspects of writing have become easier. I no longer feel tethered to metrics — likes, shares, or the need for fleeting validation. That said, I will admit: every now and then, a cue triggers a rush of dopamine, nudging me to check the stats. But that is okay. It is a gentle reminder that I am still human, still responsive to connection.

Being closer to mortality has also deepened my contemplative musing. Questions of existence, meaning, and impermanence arise more frequently now, offering fertile ground for exploration and meditative flight. Writing has become not just practice, but a way of channeling these reflections into a quiet dialogue with my finitude.

On the personal front, a significant transition unfolded between my 100th and 200th post: I retired. The preparation and intentional thinking that went into building a portfolio of engagements to ease that shift paid off. Retirement, often feared for its potential to become void, has instead offered a time affluence, a spaciousness I have put to effective use. It has not become the monster it could have been.

We also moved from Maryland to the South, into a 55+ community, and we were pleased with the choice. The environment suits us, and the rhythms of daily life feel more attuned. Pickleball has become a joyful pursuit, and I have grown quite good at it. In parallel, I have also begun posting some articles on LinkedIn, extending my reflections into new spaces and audiences.

In the years ahead, as I march toward my 300th post, the journey into meditative inquiry will persist. I will continue to find myself drawn to pondering our existence against the vastness of a universe perhaps absent of intrinsic meaning — tracing the cosmic journey woven from glowing stars and swirling galaxies, down through the improbable rise of self-replicating molecules and onward to the unfolding of life’s evolutionary path that brought forth you and me. My thoughts will meander through social norms, wondering how progress alters the very landscape in which natural selection operates — particularly when we seem to have broken through its guardrails. But perhaps it is a process that never truly ends, only the players in the arena of war of evolution change.

As I look to the future, I will continue to contemplate the trajectories humanity might follow if current patterns endure — all while quietly observing and building stories about everyday moments and reflecting on lessons gathered from the pickleball court.

As one grows older and mortality draws nearer, certain questions acquire a sharper urgency. Chief among them is the quiet reckoning with the fact that one day, there will be no “me” left to know that there ever was a “me.” The legacy I might leave behind, subject to exponential decay, is no consolation to the self who will not be around to witness it.

But before I drift too far into the maudlin, let me pause here. I look forward to being here again — with my 300th post.

Ciao, and thanks for reading.

 

The Invitation We Almost Declined

A gentle meditation on our hesitation to say yes, and how vulnerability, when embraced, can usher in warmth, friendship, and human connection.

Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness — Brené Brown

Arun Kumar

Summary: This essay reflects on the courage needed for accepting an invitation from someone to visit, exploring how making ourselves vulnerable opens pathways to connection. It explores our hesitations and highlights how accepting uncertainty can lead to warmth, companionship, and a richer experience of life; especially as time for us aging adults is becoming precious commodity.

Now and then, an invitation arrives like a soft breeze brushing past the curtains of our uneventful lives — a friend’s offer, simple in form yet rich in generosity. “Come visit,” it says, offering more than just a place to stay; it promises shared days, laughter-laced conversations, the clink of wine glasses, and the warmth of companionship.

And yet, we hesitate. We construct doubts, erect careful barricades. Perhaps, we tell ourselves, the invitation was merely a lip service — a polite gesture without expectation. Or, if we accept, we risk treading too heavily, overstaying our welcome, becoming an unspoken burden.

It is astonishing, really, the stories we spin to guard the fragile sanctum of solitude we built. Rarely do we consider that our presence might bring joy to the friend who sent the invitation. We forget the possibility that someone might want our voice echoing in their living room; that a glass of wine shared on a screened porch could become a memory we all will cherish; that visit might kindle a lasting friendship.

This hesitation is not new. It lives quietly in our minds, whispering caution. It has worn many names: pride, independence, self-sufficiency. But perhaps, at its core, it is fear; fear of rejection; of discovering that the connection we expected might not materialize. So, we retreat into the safety of our shell. We thank them kindly. We promise to think about it. And in that deflection, we safeguard our vulnerability.

But at that moment of deflection, might we have turned away from the possibility of a connection?

By not accepting, we trade potential companionship for the security of isolation. Safety has its place, but it rarely nurtures growth. Life is not built solely on order; it blossoms in the unpredictable, in the daring act of reaching out. Without vulnerability, gains are harder to come by.

To be vulnerable is to risk being refused. But what if, instead, we accept the invitation? What if our days together were to hold not awkward silence, but warmth? And even if the visit falters, we do not emerge diminished; we emerge clarified. If the experience disappoints, we need not repeat it. But we will have tried. We will have explored a possibility.

There is a kind of happiness that springs not from outcomes, but from the act of reaching beyond ourselves. Vulnerability is not a weakness; it is courage to risk, to hope, to extend. And as time marches on, and as we age, the window of opportunities keeps getting narrower.

It is haunting to imagine spending our remaining years inside walls of restraint. To let that missed friendship may linger as a quiet what-if. That laughter might never echo because fear won out. The sandbox we built to protect ourselves becomes a pen that limits us.

What if, just once, we accepted the invitation for what it was — an opening? What if we called and said, Yes, we will be there? We might find ourselves on a porch bathed in late-afternoon light, our words threading into theirs, laughter effortless and real. We might sit not as guests, but as friends. And in that conversation, feel for a fleeting beautiful moment that life is expansive, warm, and deeply connective.

By refusing the invitation, we deny not only the host, but ourselves.

No one builds meaningful bonds with absolute certainty. Every attempt carries vulnerability. Connections do not bloom in abstraction; they are cultivated by showing up. And when we decline to spare others our presence, we may also be denying them the joy they hoped for.

So let us imagine the invitation was sincere. That the wine is waiting. That the stories will flow at dinner. While doing that, let us also remember: to risk uncertainty is also to court possibility.

In the end, what awaits may be more than a weekend visit. It may be a new chapter of memory, evidence that we lived and dared. That we reached out. That we tried. And whether the outcome would be sweet or sour, it becomes part of our unfolding story.

So perhaps tonight, we will pick up the phone. We will say yes, we are coming. And in what follows, we may find what we long for: laughter’s echo, a shared glass of wine, the simple comfort of presence.

And perhaps, at last, the sandbox will crumble, and in its place, an open field of possibility will stretch wide, just when life is beginning to dim.

Ciao, and thanks for reading.

 

The Tides Within: On Mortality, Meaning, and the Search for Stillness

A quiet meditation on mortality, impermanence, and the hope for clarity in a universe where even the prospect of legacy does not console the self

I do not yet have the actionable wisdom I seek. I am not yet a still pond; I am still stirred water.

Arun Kumar

Summary: A meditation on life’s impermanence and the tension between existence and mortality. Amid fleeting acts and uncertain legacy, the consciousness seeking a perspective that allows one to live with the reality of death — not with despair, cynicism, or nihilism, but with clarity, curiosity, and quiet acceptance.

I sit here, and it would be a blessing if I still be sitting here twenty years from now anchored in the same silence, perhaps by the same patch of morning light falling on the floor, the same hush of a house not yet stirring, and with the same cup of earl gray on the table next to me. To still be sitting here would be a blessing. To survive in this world of uncertainty, where everything is always changing, where even mountains crumble and stars burn out, is no small miracle.

While I sit here, my consciousness stirs, it rocks like a boat tethered but never still. It is rocked by the gravitational pull of two universal truths: that I exist, and that one day I will cease to. This duality creates continuous tides within me.

The pull of existence brings with it a need to act, to plan, to have a set of engagements. The pull of mortality makes all plans seem like footprints on a beach just before the tide rolls in. Sloshing with uncertainty between these two forces continuously rocks my consciousness. It does not know how to find an equilibrium, how to rest in the space pulled between being and not being.

While I sit here, some questions arise again and again. What is the meaning of my being here? Not in the casual sense of being “present” in a moment, but the meaning of the sum of my existence, my actions, my ephemeral presence in the vastness of the universe. It questions the meaning of being in this universe with its indifferent stars and impossible distances, and my fragile, ephemeral self within it.

A self so easily erased, yet it is so persistent in asking what the meaning of its existence is.

What do my actions matter in a cosmos that will outlive not only without me, but without the memory of me being here, and also without my own memory of the memory of me being here? I know that most of my daily acts — the emails I write, the groceries I carry, the small kindnesses or the thoughtless dismissals — will dissolve into nothing. And yet, I also know that if I am lucky some actions will ripple forward, may exist beyond my own existence in the conscious of few for a while. A word of encouragement might steer someone’s life. A thought, an idea, I proposed may linger for a while. The consequences of some threads of actions I may leave behind may be longer lived than the self that spun them.

And yet even that notion also brings a strange angst. Legacy may endure, but not in a way that sustains the self it is now. I will not be around to know about my legacy, if any. The self that reflects now — the one asking these questions — will not survive to witness the part of the legacy that may live on. One day, there will be no “me” to know that I ever was. No flicker of awareness to recall these musings, or that I wrote these words.

And so, I find myself asking, again and again: What is the meaning of this arc? From birth into awareness, through the blossoming of selfhood and an identity, into the slow erosion of biology, and finally, into the nothingness of death. Does it signify anything? Is it just a flicker of light before the dark, or is there some quiet thread of meaning running through it all?

I often think of my efforts to prepare for the future — my savings, my plans for retirement, my cautious restraint in spending as though frugality was a shield against mortality. As though, I could bargain with time by being prudent. Yet I know that unspent money buys nothing in the beyond. The pension stops with my last breath.

What is it I am hoping to gain from this ceaseless introspection? What hidden nugget of wisdom lies buried beneath the layers of thought and questioning to be discovered? I do not claim to know its full shape, but I sense its outline. I suspect that the wisdom I seek is not a tidy answer but a shift in perspective — a way of being that brings peace even in the face of impermanence. A peace with the thought that one day, there will be no “me” to know that I ever was.

Perhaps I hope to reach a state where questions about meaning related to being and then not being will no longer surface all the time. A clarity that the self will no longer strain toward finding a meaning but can rest without having one. A stillness not born of ignorance or apathy, but of understanding that further questioning is necessary.

I imagine that kind of understanding would not erase mortality, but soften the emptiness, the cynicism, the nihilism it can create. It would not pretend that legacy can preserve the self, but it might reveal that preservation was never a goal in the mechanics and lexicon of the universe. The point, perhaps, is simply to live — fully, attentively, curiously — within the frame of a life destined to vanish. I hope to get to the point where that wisdom could be put into daily action.

And so, I sit here, letting the tides rise and fall, letting the questions come and go. I do not yet have the actionable wisdom I seek. I am not yet a still pond; I am still stirred water.

If twenty years from now I am still sitting here, I hope I will have found a little more of that clarity. I hope I will have learned to live with mortality not as an adversary, but more as a reminder: that every day is a gift because any day it can end.

And if I am not sitting here twenty years from now — if my awareness has already faded into the vast quiet of non-being — then let it be said that along the journey while I was here, I asked the questions. I sought the meaning. I tried, with all my limited understanding, to live a life worthy of its impermanence.

In the end, I hope this restless introspection will find a home — not in an answer that silences mystery, but in a perspective that lets mystery be a livable mystery. And once there, perhaps I will be home; I will have my Nirvana. Not by gaining permanence, but by feeling connected, and thereby becoming eternal to the extent the universe is eternal. Until then…

Ciao, and thanks for reading.

Letters from the Retirement Community (4): Pivoting and Pickleball

On injury, aging, and the importance of having a plan when it’s time to pivot — on and off the court

Retirement is not a fixed house, but a series of movable shelters.

Arun Kumar

Summary: Pickleball offers aging players more than a pastime — it’s a metaphor for life’s accelerating transitions and the need to pivot with purpose. As bodies slow and risks rise, the game teaches the value of having a ready portfolio of physical and mental engagements, prepared for the moment when an injury happens play is no longer possible.

The game of pickleball is entertaining as hell. There’s simply no other way to describe the addictive pull it exerts once you’ve paddled your first drop shot or rallied through a tight close at the net exchange. What makes it especially compelling, particularly for those in the later chapters of life, is that it is not a young person’s sprint but a tactician’s chess match. Unlike tennis, which demands longer court coverage and explosive movement, pickleball is physically more forgiving, more adaptable: a game that allows pace to slow, breath to return, and strategy to outshine raw stamina.

In this way, pickleball is a kind of gift to the aging body. The smaller court compresses space, meaning one doesn’t need to sprint end to end to stay in the rally. Strategies like “dinking” — a slow, arcing volley barely clearing the net — transform the game into a meditation on patience. And then there’s the third shot drop: a deliberate soft return that resets a rally, taming the tempo of what could otherwise be a frenetic exchange. In mastering pickleball, one isn’t just learning a game; one is learning the subtle art of control in a world that increasingly spins faster.

But there is a shadow that follows the fun. A quiet but ever-present reality: the older bodies populating retirement community courts are not as resilient as they once were. With every game, the thrill of play walks together with the risk of injury. Every month, we hear whispers — another fall, another wrist fracture from a bracing reflex, another ankle twisted on a misstep. The most dangerous move of all? Running backwards to return a lob. A fall onto one’s back, a fractured hip, and suddenly the paddle is shelved indefinitely, if not forever.

When I mentioned to my primary physician that I had taken up pickleball, she didn’t share my silent enthusiasm. Her face shifted, not with disapproval, but concern: be careful, she said. She has seen too often — the consequences of exuberance meeting the hard surface of reality of aging bodies.

After nine months of playing, I now understand what she meant. I’ve seen enough injuries to no longer see them as exceptions. They are part of the game. And the consequences stretch beyond just physical. An injury is not just a pause in play — it is a rupture in rhythm. Days once filled with court time, laughter, and friendly competition, suddenly has empty blocks of time that must now be reimagined. The absence of movement, the abrupt loss of social contact, the missing sense of forward momentum, all must be accounted for.

So, what does one do? One must pivot.

Retirement, I am beginning to realize, is not a single stage but a sequence of them. In our youth, we could chart decades with minimal change in our capacities. But in old age, change comes at a quicker pace, sometimes with the force of a fall. Aches appear where there were none. Endurance wanes at a faster speed. And what was easily done yesterday may suddenly become unreachable today. This is the quiet hum beneath the surface of aging: the requirement not just to adapt, but to anticipate, plan, and be ready.

A good retirement plan is not a static but a dynamic portfolio of engagements — physical, mental, and social — that can absorb the shock of sudden change. If pickleball becomes unplayable, what then? Perhaps a treadmill, a stationary bike, or an elliptical at low resistance. If walking becomes difficult, then swimming or seated strength training. If even that becomes too much, then shift again — toward intellectual pursuits, toward reading groups, writing circles, strategic games.

All of this requires something that, ironically, declines more slowly than the body: the mind. The ability to pivot is first and foremost a cognitive task. To reflect, assess, make choices, and adjust is mental work. The ultimate pivot, then, is not from sport to sport but from the physical to the cognitive realm. And for this, we must protect and nurture our minds as fiercely as we once protected our ankles.

For if the mind goes, there is no pivot to make. Cognitive decline closes the doors of planning. One does not adapt if one cannot grasp that change is needed. And so, of the two capacities we carry with us — physical and cognitive — it is cognition that must be guarded with more reverence. It is the last light we have to steer by.

Retirement, then, is not a static exercise. It is changing landscape. Imagine retirement not as a fixed house, but as a series of movable shelters like tents you can pitch in different terrains. From tennis to pickleball. From pickleball to bocce. From bocce to board games, books, and beyond. The trick is not to mourn each shelter as you move from it, but to be ready for the next one. And to have enjoyed the stay while you were there.

So, with these thoughts in mind, I step onto the court again. The morning air still feels crisp, the plastic ball still makes its satisfying “clack” off the paddle, and the laughter and curses echo across the net. I remind myself, as I stretch and warm up, that I do not need to chase every shot. I do not need to prove anything. I absolutely must not run backwards. Not because I am afraid, but because I am invested in continuity, in resilience, in the long game.

Pickleball, in this sense, becomes more than a sport. It becomes a metaphor. A place to learn strategy, restraint, and the wisdom of pace. It teaches that speed is not always the virtue. That winning often comes not from overpowering an opponent, but from waiting for them to falter. From outlasting. From watching and waiting.

And so, just as in the court, in retirement we need to build our strategy around the idea of sustainability. We need to carry a “Portfolio of Engagements” — a collection of pursuits ready to be drawn upon as conditions change. Fingers crossed, I hope I can continue enjoying this game for years to come. But I am not naïve. Life has a way of delivering unexpected shots. And when that happens, I want to be able to return the serve, even if on a court.

Until then, paddle in hand, heart hopeful, and with a watchful eye on the rhythm of the game, I play on.

Ciao, and thanks for reading.

Life, Death, and Event Horizon

 

Death, in a sense, is a moment of closing accounts, of relinquishing the molecular wealth we amassed but never owned.

Arun Kumar

Arun Kumar + AI: Various Options for Cognitive and Physical Well Being

Summary: A lyrical meditation on death as the final return of borrowed atoms to the cosmos. Drawing from personal experience of a death, it reflects on the dignity of a lucid end, the mystery of the event horizon, and the grace of accepting life as a temporary gift from the universe.

There comes a moment — silent, mysterious, invisible, beyond the reach of language — at the very end of our existence. If our cognitive abilities continue to hold, then it becomes a veritable Zeno’s paradox of approaching but never getting there when we return to the universe what we borrowed.

That moment is Death.

That moment is the crossing of the Event Horizon.

From the birth cry onward, we borrow atoms to make us grow, sustain, and procreate. The creation of our life and our existence is an amazing journey from the Big Bang to stellar evolution — formation of stars and galaxies — to the emergence of the principle of natural selection (in an energy constrained environment) to our birth. Our existence is a long succession of domino effects of inevitabilities.

To the last exhale when we dissolve back into the cosmic quiet, we are merely tenants of this universe, a biology on loan.

At birth, we inherited atoms sculpted by cosmic alchemy. Calcium from long-dead stars settles into our bones. Iron that once swirled inside a supernova pulse through our blood. We grow by borrowing — oxygen, nitrogen, carbon — all arranged in the physical form and the consciousness that we are. And when the time arrives, we are called to return it all. Death, in that sense, is a moment of closing accounts, of relinquishing the molecular wealth we amassed but never owned.

As we spiral toward that inevitable end, our capacities — mental and physical — do not always decline in tandem. There is a sort of 2x2 contingency table to describe this final arc. This contingency table is not about statistical probabilities, but more of a poetic license. On one axis, the cognitive self — our awareness, our memories, our perception. On the other, the physical self — the body that moves us, that breathes, digests, aches, and holds consciousness within.

If all goes well, some find themselves in that rare quadrant of the contingency table: a reasonably fit body, a lucid mind. Their decline is gradual, almost elegant, like a leaf circling in an eddy before sinking. Or a star in an orbit of a black hole spiraling slowly towards the event horizon.

Others arrive with the mind fully alert but the body faltering — muscles weaken, organs give way, daily living has to be assisted. It is the condition of the caged bird: a lucid mind living within a faltering vessel. There are also those for whom the mind dims while the body remains sturdy, a vitality without a thought. And finally, for many, both realms fade together.

If we are among the fortunate — if we retain clarity of thought as the body slows — death can be visualized not unlike a star spiraling into a black hole. Aware, even serene, the mind watches as each orbit draws closer to the event horizon. The moment it is crossed, time and self as we know them cease.

What does the mind think in that final moment, if it still thinks at all? Does it sense the proximity of the edge? Can it articulate the final relinquishment, can it communicate the thoughts back, or is it overcome by silence, awed by the dazzling fireworks of activity taking place near the event horizon, and in that awe forgets all about its past existence it is about to leave behind? I do not know. I do not have the luxury of living through such an experiment. And if, by grace, I do find myself at that precipice with my consciousness intact, I will not be around to narrate the experience.

What about sharing of that journey in the death of others? So far, I have witnessed the event horizon up close only once. It was during my father’s passing.

He was, by most measures, in the quadrant of grace. Until very close to the end, he did not require help with his daily physical needs. His body remained cooperative, and his mind — functional, perceptive, engaged. But when getting closer and closer to the event horizon, there was a visible awareness in him that the physical was slowly receding. He could see the inward spiral. I think he understood that the event horizon was not far. But he did not resist its approach; instead, towards the end he seemed to lean on it with quiet acceptance.

On the evening of his last day, something shifted. Though he was no longer able to articulate clearly, he seemed intent on conveying something. He made gestures, reached out. His urgency to communicate was visible, though his capacity for speech was lost. Perhaps he was trying to say some words of wisdom; perhaps he wanted to say the final adieu; or perhaps he wanted to say that it is time to go. Still trying, he asked for something to write upon and scribbled on it that we were not able to decipher.

I can only guess what he wanted to say. And maybe in doing so, I project what I might want to say when approaching the event horizon, had I been in his place.

Later that evening, we took him to a private nursing home. My sister and I remained by his side. The air in the room was still with approaching finality. His breathing slowed, softening with each passing hour. We held his hands as though trying to share his journey or perhaps to let him know that we will be ok, that he lived a full life and we are grateful to him for our own existence. And then, without drumroll, without pain, his breathing stopped. He crossed the event horizon.

In that moment, I imagined that we were assisting him on his last journey. That by our touch, by our presence, we helped him pass more gently across the event horizon. That he felt, in some corner of his fading mind, he was not alone. That he was guided, not lost.

I do not know what his final thoughts were. But I hope that he was at peace. That he felt his journey was complete, that he understood the inevitability, symmetry, and completeness of return. That he sensed the act not as ending, but as giving back what he did not own.

If given a choice, I would want my arc of life approaching death to mirror his. A slow spiral with cognition intact. A body that still functions well enough. A mind that knows the event horizon is getting nearer and accepts it without fear. I would want acceptance within me when it’s time to give back what I borrowed. That, to me, would be the perfect arc of life’s journey into death.

We are brief visitors in the unfolding of the universe. Remnants of stars shaped into beings. The atoms we carry do not belong to us; they were here before, and they will persist after. Life is the brief flicker in which those atoms come together to think, feel, remember. Then, like everything in the universe, they shall go their own ways.

And in that giving, there is a strange kind of grace. Not surrender, not loss — but participation in the workings of something much vaster. An affirmation of our place in the grand tapestry of space, time, energy, and matter.

The event horizon awaits each of us. Some will reach it unaware, others burdened or resisting its approach. A few will spiral toward it with eyes wide open and a mind at peace.

May we all, when our time comes, cross with that kind of dignity. May we know, even in our last breath, that the journey of living was worth taking on the loan.

Ciao, and thanks for reading.

Letters from the Retirement Community (3): The Plateau and the Paddle

 

Like the pendulum, our growth in skill slows as we ascend toward mastery, and time begins to feel like it’s working against us.

Arun Kumar

Arun Kumar + AI

Summary: A personal reflection on learning Pickleball in a retirement community becomes an exploration of skill development, aging, and the pursuit of mastery. Drawing on metaphors from chaos theory, physics, and evolution, the essay contemplates progress, plateaus, and the quiet grace of striving without obsession.

When we moved to the retirement community, a small group of us — new neighbors settling in their next phase of life — found a shared goal in a game with a curious name: Pickleball. None of us had played it before, but we were drawn in by its easier learning curve and the cheerful cadence of the plastic ball echoing across the courts each morning in the neighborhood. With cautious enthusiasm and borrowed paddles, we began to get our feet wet.

In those early weeks, there was a quiet cohesion among us beginners; a camaraderie born of shared inexperience. Like an ensemble of weather model forecasts started from nearly identical initial conditions, our starting skill levels were roughly the same; differences between us seemed minor — barely worth noting. But as time passed and we each put in hours on the court, something familiar yet subtle began to happen. Our trajectories diverged.

A few of us dropped out, either from injury, disinterest, or other priorities. Some remained in a holding pattern — playing casually, enjoying the social aspect more than focusing on improving the game. But a handful of us got better. Our serves sharpened. Our footwork improved. Our understanding of angles, strategy, and shot selection deepened. What had started as a unified group began, like any chaotic system evolving over time, to fragment into individuals taking different paths. The coherence that bound us early on slowly broke apart, much like an ensemble of forecasts growing less correlated with each hour of lead time.

My own journey followed a familiar arc. At first, every session brought noticeable progress — better timing, fewer unforced errors, growing confidence in volleys and initial forays into dinks. The game seemed to open up, to welcome us in. There’s a pleasure in those early days of learning, when gains come easily and encouragement flows from tangible improvement. But then came the plateau.

No longer did another hour of playing brought noticeable change. Progress became harder to measure, and the law of diminishing returns kicked in. Progress, that once required simple effort now demanded intention, focus, and a kind of mental endurance. I found myself needing to exert more effort for smaller gains. The curve of improvement bent gently toward flatness like the trajectory of a stone thrown up in the sky.

This, I realized, is the familiar territory mapped by the power law of practice.

The concept is simple but powerful: the time it takes to improve increases disproportionately the further along you are in your skill level. Early progress is exponential; later progress is logarithmic. To halve your errors might take a week at first. To halve them again could take a month. Then a year. And so on. It’s a law that governs not just games like Pickleball, but pursuits as varied as piano playing, chess, language acquisition, and progress made by elite athletics.

Consider the practice regimen of top athletes. Serena Williams, at her peak, would spend five to six hours a day on the court, followed by strength training, recovery, and mental conditioning. Novak Djokovic speaks often of the minutiae — how the last 1% of improvement requires almost obsessive attention to diet, rest, biomechanics. Simone Biles trains six days a week for hours a day, perfecting routines that last less than two minutes. These athletes are no longer learning the game — they are refining movements to microscopic precision. The returns are small, but the costs are immense. And yet, this is the price of excellence.

The shape of this curve reminded me of another image: the swing of a pendulum. At its lowest point, velocity is greatest — this is the beginner’s rush, the stage of maximum progress. But as the pendulum climbs, it slows. At the apex, its motion ceases momentarily before gravity reclaims it. Like the pendulum, our growth in skill slows as we ascend toward mastery, and time begins to feel like it’s working against us. Progress requires more and more energy, for less and less of a return.

We also see a parallel in evolution’s long, winding arms race. Take the cheetah and the gazelle — predator and prey in a relentless contest of speed trying to outrun each other. The cheetah evolves to run faster, more agile. In response, the gazelle becomes faster too. There’s a reciprocal escalation. But there is a ceiling. Muscles generate heat. Metabolism needs fuel. Past a point, increasing speed demands more energy than the organism can afford. There is an asymptote. Further gains become biologically prohibitive. The same logic applies to brain size in primates. Our brains are costly organs, consuming around 20% of our body’s energy. There is a tradeoff — between cognitive effort and metabolism, between complexity (requiring more energy) and sustainability. Evolution, like practicing Pickleball, meets its limits.

I sometimes wonder whether my own Pickleball journey has reached its own kind of asymptote. Not from lack of will, but from the simple calculus of life. I am not 25. I do not want to spend five hours a day on the court. There are other demands — writing, maintaining social connections in the community we have moved in, keeping up with the basic logistics of life like finances. And so, though I might want to improve, I must also recognize that my trajectory of my improvement in the game of Pickleball is reaching natural limits.

Yet, this is not a lament. There is something beautiful in acknowledging limits. In fact, there is freedom in it. I may never master the third shot drop or dominate in tournaments. But I can still find joy in the bounce of the ball, the rhythm of play, the sunlight casting shadows across the court. I can still be a student of the game. And maybe, like the pendulum, my swing may slow — but it may not stop. I will return again and again, in the quiet cycle of practice and participation.

So how far will I get in my improvement? I am already far better than I was. I will still feel the slow rhythm of growth and savor the moment when the paddle strikes the sweet spot. I will relish the hints of my own progress — even if invisible to others.

There is wisdom in the plateau too. A kind of stillness. A sense that I am capable enough to reach where I am and even if limited amount of further trying does not result in quantum leaps, it is ok.

And so, I’ll keep playing. Not to master the game, but to befriend it. Not to beat others, but to keep company with my own striving, however slow. In that striving, perhaps, lies the real win in life.

Ciao, and thanks for reading.

Letters from a Retirement Community (2): A Reflection on our Pickleball Journey

 Aging changes how we play, but the joy of the game never fades

Arun Kumar

Arun Kumar + AT

Summary: Moving to a retirement community offers time for reflection and discovery in innocuous activities playing Pickleball. The game mirrors life’s trajectory — rapid improvement followed by inevitable plateaus. Gradual aging shifts the playing style, emphasizing strategy over speed.

A move to a retirement community is, in many ways, a transition into a new chapter of life. It is a place where time slows just enough to give mental space that allows for reflection, where routines take shape but have an elastic rhythm, and where one has the chance to explore new pursuits without needing to worry about the outcomes. Win or lose, just being a participant serves the goal. For me, one such pursuit has been Pickleball — a game I had never played before, but one that quickly became an integral part of my life.

Belonging to a Tribe

One of the most unexpected joys of playing Pickleball was the immediate sense of belonging to a tribe. The courts are more than a place to hit the pickleball back and forth; they are a meeting ground, a place where conversations begin and a sense of companionships are forged. For someone like me, newly settled in this community, Pickleball has been a gateway to making connections. There is an unspoken camaraderie among the players that continues off the court; whether you win or lose, the game brings people together in a shared pursuit of having an engagement, striving for improvement (even in our old age, it still happens and is good), and a light competitive spirit (although we keep saying, it is just a game, it is hard to give up the pursuit of winning).

As a newcomer, I expected to struggle with the game and feel out of place amidst players who had been at it for years. But that was not the case. Pickleball community has an inviting quality; even the seasoned players are eager to share tips, encourage progress, and cheer small victories (even if accidental). It is not just a sport but a welcoming experience, making introverts like me feel at home.

The Arc of Improvement

When I first stepped onto the court, I felt clumsy and uncertain. But as with any new skill, improvement came quickly. Each successive game brought better serves, return of reflexes, better hand and eyes coordination, and a growing understanding of playing strategy. With every match, I found myself more attuned to the movement of the ball, anticipating returns instead of merely reacting to them.

Yet, as with all pursuits, making progress gradually becomes harder. The rapid improvement that one experiences at first does not last forever. There are long plateaus, moments when the victories are fewer and the gains are harder to come by. The trajectory of Pickleball skills mirrors the flight of a stone thrown into the air — it rises quickly, gets slower as it reaches its peak, and then slows to a crawl as it approaches its highest point. The amount of work one has to put into improving is inversely proportional to the level of excellence one is at. For a novice, improvements are quick, and little effort leads to marked improvements; for an advanced player, considerably more level of effort is needed to see small improvement.

The Parallel Arc of Aging

Even as my skills improve, there is another trajectory that runs alongside this one and will have a subtle influence on the arc of Pickleball. That trajectory is the arc of aging.

The passage of time is relentless, and with it comes the gradual decline of physical ability. As I get older, I will see a shift in how I play. With age, I will no longer chase down fast-moving balls or engage in rallies. Instead, I will begin to rely more on placement and precision, compensating for dwindling speed with strategy.

I have already witnessed this unfolding in my fellow players. Those who may have dominated the court now play at a slower pace, focusing less on winning and more on simply enjoying the movement. And then there are those who have stepped away entirely from being on the court, watching from the sidelines, reminiscing about the games they once played and what life used to be.

In Hinduism, life is said to be divided into four phases: Brahmacharya (the learning phase), Grihastha (the householder phase), Vanaprastha (the withdrawal phase), and Sannyasa (the phase of contemplation). The arc of Pickleball, in its own way, follows a similar trajectory. There is the learning phase, full of excitement and quick progress. There is a competitive phase, where improvement is pursued with vigor. Then comes the slower phase, where enjoyment of playing supersedes competition, and finally, there is contemplation — the time when one watches from the sidelines, reflecting on the games played, tournaments won, and joys shared.

The Unpredictability of It All

Life is also unpredictable, and every journey carries the possibility of abrupt endings. Pickleball is no different.

Players are unexpectedly forced to quit due to falls and injuries, cutting short their envisioned trajectory. Pickleball, for all its joy, is not without risks, and life itself has a habit of throwing curveballs when least expected. In that sense, the game is a reminder of impermanence and that continuation of nothing is guaranteed.

While playing, I should not take my Pickleball days for granted. At this age injuries take much longer to heal. But if luck allows, I will follow the envisioned Pickleball trajectory. In the course of time, one day I will be a happy spectator, watching ‘younger seniors’ play with the same passion that I once had. Until then, with luck I will continue to play and glide along different phases of my Pickleball career.

After all, life and Pickleball share the same truth: we must play with a sense of engagement, knowing that every rally, every shot, and every phase of journey could be fleeting. Fingers crossed, I will get to that final stage, reminiscing on the sidelines with a satisfied (and yet, nostalgic) smile, remembering the days when I was on the court and someone else was watching me play. Until then…

Ciao, and thanks for reading.