Aging Together: A Journey of Friendship and Pickleball

 

Growing old together means you’ll always have someone to remind you where you left your glasses… because I’ll probably be sitting on them.

Arun Kumar

Arun Kumar + AI: Aging Together

Summary: In a retirement community, a group of us ‘aged people’ arrived around the same time, sharing the journey of settling in and embracing new activities like pickleball. Over time we will grow older together. Though we’re all beginners now, our skills and interests will mature differently, and our paths will diverge. Yet, our true connection lies in aging together. Slowly, our chats will turn from playful banter to comparing aches and pains of old bodies, eventually becoming watchers on the sidelines observe the new arrivals go through a similar drill.

Recently, moving into a retirement community marked the start of a new chapter for us. Although I’m still working, we made the transition for a couple of reasons: to settle into a place where we want to retire while we’re still active and capable of handling the challenges of a big move, and to escape the long, cold winters of our previous home.

We’re now settling in, and part of this process involves engaging in the variety of activities offered by our new community, a 55+ retirement community. While we do that, I’m starting to realize that, as I age, I’ll be sharing a unique journey with fellow retirees — especially those who, like us, arrived around the same time.

We’ve started to establish new routines and friendships, including our introduction to pickleball — a game that we newcomers are all learning to play. For now, we’re united by our inexperience and eagerness to try something new, making each misstep and missed shot part of the fun (and, occasionally, the cause of an audible curse).

As we get our feet wet together, I realize that, over time, some of us will progress faster than others, and our skill levels in pickleball will start to vary. Some will join more experienced players as they advance, others may be content staying where they are, and still others may decide it’s not their cup of tea and move on to try different activities.

But regardless of where our pickleball skills take us, one thing will remain constant: we will age together. Gradually, our conversations will shift from discussing games and learning new skills to comparing aches and pains, sharing doctor recommendations, and reflecting on changes we never anticipated. Over time, as we become less active players and more spectators, our courtside chats will evolve into quieter observations from the sidelines.

Our shared aging would be woven into the life of getting older in this community. None of us arrived here in our youth — we are all here precisely because of the stage of life we’re in — old. Our being here is contingent of being over 55 and we are required to provide evidence for it (e.g., the drivers license).

Our shared aging is part of the fabric of life in this community. None of us arrived here in our youth — we’re all here precisely because of the stage of life we’re in: older adulthood. Our residence here is contingent on being over 55, something we even had to verify (for example, with a driver’s license).

As us, the old people get older together, our days will be marked by shared experiences, and mutual support that the process of aging requires. In the end, this gradual, graceful aging will be our common bond, reminding us that while each of us may have our own aches and individual journeys, we are also on a journey together. Towards that, pickleball is just an excuse for greater adventures.

As we, the older generation, continue aging together, our days will be shaped by shared experiences and the mutual support that growing older requires. In the end, this gradual, graceful aging will be our common bond, reminding us that, while each of us has our own aches and individual journeys, we are also on a shared path. On that journey, pickleball is just the beginning of adventures yet to come.

Ciao, and thanks for reading.

Buffering existential crisis

 

You don’t find oak trees having existential crisis. ‘I feel so rotten about myself. I don’t produce as much acorns as the one next to me — Adyashanti

Arun Kumar

Arun Kumar + AI

For some, the cognizance of mortality is a cataclysmic event. Although its precise consequences are unpredictable and could be either positive or negative. They might lead to debilitation, foster spiritual development, or serve as a wellspring for creativity. In one way or another, the event can end up turning one’s life upside down. It disrupts our assumptions, challenges our purpose, and forces us to confront our finite existence.

In the presence of mortality, even seemingly simple acts like reading, learning, and working take on a questioning hue.

The cognizance of mortality is like Dementors — it can slowly drain happiness and vitality.

The cognizance of mortality makes us wonder about the meaning and purpose of life. Balancing mortality and life within us can be challenging, if not insurmountable.

The dysfunctional union of mortality and life is the beginning of the existential crisis and makes us question life’s meaning and purpose. Why are we born with a beginning and an end? What purpose does our finite existence serve on this Earth? If all is going to end in the loss of the self that we cultivate with much effort and diligence, what is the point of the journey and all the effort it entails?

While being born was not our choice, we must carry on despite existential crises. To be able to live with a semblance of sanity, we have to find (and build) a meaning for our existence. While doing that we also need to accept the fact that the meaning we construct may not last forever.

We must acknowledge that circumstances change, and the protective moat of meaning we construct may eventually run dry.

For instance, aging or other factors — social, cognitive, or physical — may necessitate us to retire and make us question our identity. The loss of a loved one may bring questions about existence anew.

Change can also be as subtle as our evolving values; what was meaningful yesterday may lose its impact today.

When change occurs, successfully navigating the transition involves rebuilding our inner moat and finding a new meaning and purpose for life.

Ultimately, a recipe for a peaceful life involves skillfully confronting changes and fortifying our moats against existential crisis.

With all that the cognizance of mortality can gift or curse us with, what brings it on to begin with?

Our awareness of mortality fundamentally stems from our awareness of the future. Our capability to think about the future, in turn, is part of the matrix that our consciousness is.

One hallmark of our consciousness is the ability to perceive the flow of time — to know where we were, where we are, and where we might be tomorrow. It is remembering the past, knowing the present, and thinking about the future.

Consciousness is a double-edged sword. It granted us an advantage in the game of natural selection for survival and reproduction. It also gifted us with knowledge of the future.

It is in the future where mortality lurks, and it is our ability to think about the future that its cognizance emerges from.

I guess consciousness is no free lunch. At least some of us have to pay a price for its gift.

Ciao.

Of interest:
Building a framework for Living — A laminated guide
Paradox of Living
The ailment of existential crisis
Taming Mortality

Developing a force field to shield against absurdity

 

Arun Kumar

Some time back I, like countless others who have lived on the Earth before, or are living now, or will live in the future, I had some musings on “is it even possible to ever come to terms with our

mortality (and the thought that when life end it *really* ends) and develop a way to live and have a functional life?”

Two being together is a paradox; a dysfunctional couple hobbling along and never enjoying moments of harmony or peace.

Like all paradoxes, perhaps the paradox of mortality and living cannot be resolved but can only be managed. Think about “everything I say is a lie.” There is no exit ramp on the highway of this paradox.

In the context of managing this particular paradox, strategies have been developed to wriggle our way out of it. Foremost among them is accepting the path of religion which offers us the olive branch that after our death we continue to exist in some form.

All these solutions resolve the paradox by eliminating one pole of the paradox itself, i.e., when life ends it really does not end, and with that, and one side of the paradox eliminated, it is easy to think about living a functional life.

The other extreme of possibilities, of course, is that the short span of time is all there is given to us and all we could do is to accept and try to reconcile with this notion and have a functional life.

One of the primary consequences of the harboring this thought is that when we get a respite from the daily grind of living and want to sit back and take a bird’s eye view of life in front of is, then occasionally, there pops up an uncomfortable feeling (or a question) why in the world we have been doing what we have been doing?

All the rat race, the politicking, and the conniving, holding petty grudges! Really? Tomorrow, we can fall off the cliff and holding grudges will not make us lighter.

With the notion of a finite existence, everything we do in between can feel so profoundly absurd.

Feeling that the motions we go through are at best absurd, what are the options available to us to live with the absurdity and have a functional life?

While there is no cure for mortality and the feeling of absurdity it can bring, a possible path forward is to accept their consequences and carve a way to live that can soothe the bluntness with which the realization of mortality can push against our flesh.

A possible path is to discover what we value in life and develop a portfolio of activities that aligns with those values. The way to know what we value is to recognize the activities that bring feelings of happiness, sense of accomplishments, emotions of connectedness that transcend our finite self.

Although the paradox of mortality and living would remain a paradox, the approach can still allow us to have a functional, creative, and meaningful life that is occasionally punctuated by the humbleness that mortality can bring.

Recognizing what we value, what activities allow us to realize what we value, building a portfolio of engagements of such activities is the key to be able to live with the cognizance of mortality, and to have a functional life.

May such a portfolio of engagements be with us.

Ciao.

Building a framework for Living – A laminated guide

 

Arun Kumar

No, this is not an offering for a laminated version to be delivered by the mail person but a summary that can be laminated as a quick reference guide for building appropriate frameworks for living. 

It is a cheat sheet that could serve as a quick reminder for the process to follow.

In a nutshell, frameworks for living are required to bring reconciliation between two opposites that we must often live with. This reconciliation is needed so that we are free of inner conflicts. To put together appropriate frameworks for living we need a set of guidelines that can be used as the starting point. 

Without further ado, here are three basic ingredients for building a successful framework for living. 

1. An appropriate framework for living is made up of activities that fit our contours, be they physical, financial, or psychological. It is only then that we are not constantly distracted from our goal of reaching a reconciliation. It is only then that the framework for living we are going to follow feels like a natural path.

2. The success of the framework for living we built needs to be assessed. An obvious yardstick for a relevant framework for living is that following it brings us closer to the goal it is designed for (i.e., reconciliation of two opposites). 

3. Finally, the yardstick should be such that it could be used frequently, and if something is not working, then tweaks in our framework of living can be made until the desired goal of reconciliation can be achieved.

And that is it.

To give a tangible example, consider the opposites of awareness of our mortality and our innate biological need to live.

1. The goal of the desired framework for living is to reconcile the two. Out of the two, it is the living we can change. Tinkering with mortality is beyond our control. 

2. If we live in such a way that it feels like we have a fulfilling life, then it has the potential for counterbalancing the disruption the cognition of mortality can bring.

3. The yardstick of success for the framework for living we choose is whether its implementation brings us closer to reconciliation of the opposites of mortality and living. But how would we know that the two are getting reconciled?

4. If they are reconciled it would result in a life that is free of inner conflicts that the cognition of mortality can bring, i.e., it would be an equanimous life. Having that, one day nearing the end of our life we will be able to look back and say that ours was a life well lived.

5. If the only yardstick to judge whether we reached reconciliation or not is to look back and see if it was a life well lived or not, it will be a risky proposition. A yardstick that could be used more frequently would be to assess whether following our framework for living, our days are free of inner conflict or whether it feels like if days are well lived or not?

6. So now we have (1) the yardstick of success for the framework for living we put together to bring mortality and living in reconciliation – how free of inner conflicts our life is, or alternatively, do we have the feeling that our days are well lived and (2) if needed, this yardstick could be used daily. Having these two, the next task is to find the third ingredient for building a successful framework for living, i.e., finding an appropriate set of activities to be part of our framework of living.

7. What framework for living would make our day feel like it was well lived? But first, what makes a day?

8. A day is a collection of engagements. The framework for living to guide our day will be made of an appropriate portfolio of engagements. 

9. Appropriate activities that go in the portfolio of engagement are those that fit the contours of our values. In other words, developing a framework for living that is based on a value-driven life can reconcile the opposites of mortality and our innate need to live.

10. Why is aligning activities with values in our framework for living important? It is because then those activities feel natural and effortless. By not being abrasive, and being against what our natural inclinations are, they do not distract us from getting to our goal of reconciliation.

11. So now we have the necessary ingredients – a yardstick - was our day well lived; a yardstick that could be used frequently; and a set of activities that fit the contours of our values. 

12. One last note - days well lived are not only an enabler that bring reconciliation between mortality and need for living, but bringing that reconciliation makes staying on the path of having such days easier. It is a nice positive feedback loop to have.

Ciao.

Related: Building a framework for living #15: Putting it all together

Building a framework for living #15: Putting it all together

 

Arun Kumar

Frameworks for Living.

 

They are constructs that help us safely navigate our ephemeral existence through the vastness of space and time that we find ourselves in. An existence that often faces the challenge of navigating through two opposites, be they the discord between our desires and our means or just facts of what existence is.

 

A basic need for a framework for living is to have a set of tools to reconcile two opposites because without a reconciliation life could be a torturous journey.

 

Here are some examples.

 

One day we wake up and find out that our genes with receptors of mortality have expressed themselves. From that point onwards, we must live side by side with the awareness of mortality.

 

The awareness of mortality and the need to keep on living a fulfilling life are the two opposites facts of existence that require constant reconciliation.

 

After a working career that spans 30+ years, thoughts and desires of retirement start to knock on the door. Fantasies of taking walks along the beach every evening, of having no deadlines for submitting progress reports that probably no one ever reads, start to invade our dreams. And yet, we are terrified of leaving work, and what all it gives us, behind.

 

The desire to retire, and yet, feeling terrified of leaving it all behind without quite knowing what we are going to do with the discretionary time after retirement, are two opposite facts of growing old also in need of reconciliation.

 

We know that the most important asset in life is our health. Except for a lucky few, being healthy seldom is a free ride. To increase our chances for a healthier life span, we need to develop appropriate habits – exercising regularly, eating better, having a good social network etc.

 

The wish to have a longer health span and our reluctance to develop appropriate habits so we have a better chance at a longer healthier life span are two opposite desires in need of reconciliation.

 

Examples of such opposites in our life abound. With their presence, a question that confronts us is what can to do to find a reconciliation between them and be able to lead an equanimous, fulfilling, and a measured life?

 

The bottom line is that if we want to successfully walk a tight rope carrying the weight of two opposites, and hope to succeed at the task, we need to tinker with the two opposite poles so they can co-exist in harmony and not distract our conscience with unending, and ultimately, exhausting, bruising battles that can rage within ourselves.

 

The possibilities of what we could do to bring reconciliation are many. If possible, we can change the poles, for example, in the case of an unhealthy desires, curtail the desire itself. However, if the two poles are facts of existence and there is nothing we can do about them, we could find a way to navigate between them and keep them in balance.

 

Going back to examples of opposites given before, ...

 

We, after all, are mortal beings and there is nothing we can do about this fact of existence that is an unrelenting consequence of entropy. We also need to keep on living and that also remains a fact of existence. In this case, all we can do is to cultivate a framework for living that brings a balance between the opposites that mortality and need to continue living are.

 

In the case of retirement, there is no denying that with each passing moment we are getting older, and one day the natural order of things – be it to hand over the baton to younger generation and move on, or just a general decline in the physical or cognitive conditions - would like us to see retired. Of course, we could choose to eventually die at the office desk, but the alternative of retiring is so much of a better option. In this case the approach would be to develop strategies for life post-retirement that not only fill what niches work life filled, but also make our remaining time on the blue planet an enjoyable and a positive experience.

 

Our wish for a longer health span, oh well, we can let the desire go and eliminate the pole per se, but it is only us who would suffer, and not only that, also deplete our financial resources while we are at it.  In this case, it would be prudent to develop habits that promote healthier lifestyle, and thereby, improve our chances for a longer health span.

 

In the cases when both the poles, or one of the poles of the opposite we confront is beyond our control, following the advice from the Stoics, the wise strategy would be to either focus on pole we can change, or if that luxury is not there, focus on the developing a framework for living that brings the opposites in harmony.

 

It is in attempting to make necessary changes, the need to develop the appropriate framework for living comes to the fore.

 

Whew, that was a long preamble to get us here and set the context. Where to go next?

 

The knowledge that we need to have a framework for living, however, is not enough. We also need to know some basics about how to go about building a framework for living that is appropriate for us and for reconciling the opposites it is designed for.

 

The first conundrum in this quest we face is understanding what does appropriate means?

 

A useful approach to think what appropriate framework for living is to consider that (i) it fits the profiles (or contours) that is us – physical, financial, psychological, and (ii) if we are to live by the framework for living, it brings us closer to reconciling the opposites it was meant for.

 

An appropriate clothing is that fits out physical form. A pair of trousers with a waist size 30 is not appropriate for a waist that is 34. Forcing them together is only going to hurt.

 

An appropriate car to purchase is the one that fits out financial wherewithal; going above our means is shortsighted and will hurt our financial being in the long run.

 

Similarly, an appropriate framework for living for us is the one that fits our psychological contours - who we are, what we value, what our morals are etc.

 

The next task is to figure out the measure of success. Let us follow this thought further.

 

Let us suppose that after some introspection, trial and error, we do come up with what we think is the appropriate framework for living and its goal is to reconcile our awareness of mortality and our need to live so that we can have a functional and fulfilling life.

 

With a framework for living in hand, what will a yardstick that can measure its success?

 

The obvious yardstick would be to assess whether following the framework for living we reach the goal that the framework was aimed for, i.e., whether the awareness of mortality and living had a peaceful coexistence. And if they did then a tangible outcome would be that nearing the end of our time on this planet, we might feel that our life was well lived.

 

Should that not be a measure of a good life in any case? Hearing people say about you that it was a life well lived sounds like the highest tribute one can receive. In your own mind you can imagine nearing the moment of death, looking back and saying that it was a life well lived, and if given a chance then without changing anything, I would not mind living it again sounds like a good measure for success.

 

Completing our tenure on this planet and leaving this ephemeral existence behind with a smile on face and feeling of contentment in heart, what could be better sentiment to embrace the moment of death.

 

Snap! Let us move on before we get too entangled in poetic dreams.

 

Nearing the final years of life, reaching out for the yardstick and checking if our life was well lived, however, is a risky proposition. If the answer turns out to be a no, it would be too late to change our framework for living and set it right.

 

An easier approach for assessing whether our framework for living is the right one or not is to consider If our days are well lived? Following this paradigm, we get many more chances to assess if we are on track to reach our goal or not, and if not, make necessary adjustments.

 

The elegance of this measure is that if our days are well lived, they also add up to a life well lived.

 

Going deeper, what makes a day well lived is determined by the activities we engage in during the discretionary time we have. It is the sum of these activities that determines if the day was well lived or not. A litmus test for which would be ask whether given a chance, would we look forward to living today again? If the answer we get is yes then it was a day well lived.

 

In this paradigm, the appropriate framework for living becomes the activities that are in our portfolio of engagement that we draw from during the day. It is worth remembering that the gift of discretionary time is a privilege that lots of people on the planet do not have. It is a terrible thing to waste gifts that come to us as a matter of luck.

 

The last step in the process is to ensure that the activities align with our psychological contours, particularly, with our values.

 

The long chain of steps involved in building the appropriate framework for living finally comes down to knowing what we value. If we know that, we can build a portfolio of engagements to match our values, and thereby, we will have the appropriate framework for living that will take the jagged edges from awareness of our mortality.

 

If we do not align activities in our portfolio of engagements with our values, life becomes a car whose wheels are not balanced aligned and the constant effort to steer and keep on the right track can wear us out.

 

Our task then is to know what our values are.

 

What we value is It is harder than figuring out than our physical and financial contours.

 

A possible approach is to look back on our own life and try to recall the activities that brought us the sense of joy, engaging in which we felt motivated. Some of the activities may have been forgotten and washed away with the flow that life becomes, but nonetheless, they are part of who we were and could be resurrected again.

 

Or one could also take online tests to understand what our innate strengths are.

 

The recipe for building the appropriate framework for living, therefore, is: know what our values are; find activities that align with those values; build a portfolio of engagements that is a collection of such activities, implement them in daily life and see if they bring the feeling of a day being well lived; if something does not seem to work, make necessary tweaks. If the answer is yes, voila, we have the desired framework for living!

 

The benefits of having the right portfolio of engagement go beyond its primary objective of reconciling two opposites and are multifaced.

 

The same activities, by aligning with our values, give us a sense of meaning and purpose; at the end of the day, they help us sleep better; they make us look forward to getting out of bed tomorrow; they give an identity; they become an anchor and provide structure to the day.

 

One last comment on activities in the portfolio of engagements is that they could also form a thriving ecosystem of activities that sustain and feedback on each other.

 

With that, it is time for me to head out and put together an appropriate framework for living for what is coming – retirement.

 

Ciao.

 

Related:

 

Building a framework for living #1: Becoming aware of mortality

Building a framework for living #2: The basic premise for its need

Building a framework for living #3: Follow the advice from stoics

Building a framework for living #4: The basic principles

Building a framework for living #5: Working with the fundamental unit that makes a life

Building a framework for living #6: The alchemy of fulfilling days

Building a framework for living #7: The yardstick for fulfilling days

Building a framework for living #8: What makes a day anyway?

Building a framework for living #9: A strategy to make a day well lived

Building a framework for living #10: Choosing right engagements to make a day well lived.

Building a framework for living #11: Need for aligning engagements with our values

Building a framework for living #12: Other consequences of portfolio of engagements

Building a framework for living #13: An ecosystem of interconnected engagements

Building a framework for living #14: The starting point