Capitol Games: Where Principles Compete to Die

A satire on U.S. politics where elected “athletes” trade principles for power in a surreal game of groveling and ideological gymnastics

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies — Groucho Marx

Arun Kumar

Summary: A crisp September morning contrasts the hopeful spirit of Olympic trials with the farcical “Capitol Games,” where U.S. politicians compete in a dizzying display of flip-flops, groveling, and political contortions — all for survival, power, and a presidential nod, leaving democracy gasping at the starting line.

It is the fall season in the northern hemisphere.

The kind of September morning that poets once celebrated and a few climatologists that are left still tweet about. The sky is a brilliant, unbroken blue — no cloud dares interrupt its expanse. The air is crisp, the sort that smells faintly of nostalgia and overpriced pumpkin spice lattes. You take a deep breath, one that fills your lungs, and for momentarily, your soul. It’s the kind of breath that whispers, “Maybe life is going to be all right. Maybe that long overdue promotion is finally coming. Maybe I am not doomed after all.”

You’re sitting in a stadium, beaming with optimism and anticipation. Today is the U.S. Olympic Trials. The 400-meter dash finalists are lined up at the start, their bodies taut with focus and dreams of glory. Each of them has sweated their way here, past sprained ankles, grueling training sessions, and the occasional existential crisis questioning why they are doing this. In moments, the gun will fire. They will take off, and one of them will earn a spot on the U.S. Olympic team — a reward for merit, for sweat, for relentless human striving for achievement.

You lean forward in your seat with anticipation.

And not far from here, just a few miles away — though it may as well be an alternate universe — another trial is unfolding.

Not beneath the open skies, but under the heavy dome of the Capitol Rotunda.

Not on a track, but on the polished floor of a chamber where laws are being rewritten and reason has taken an extended sabbatical.

Here too, competitors are lining up. These are the nation’s elected representatives. Their uniforms differ slightly — ill-fitted suits, flag pins clinging for dear life, ties that double as metaphorical nooses — but their expressions are just as focused. The stakes are high. This, after all, is not about athletic glory. It’s about something far more sacred: political survival.

The event about to begin? The 400-Meter Dash to Indignity.

The rules are simple: drop your principles as fast as possible and sprint toward an endorsement from the reigning POTUS, who is observing from a distant throne, or today, perhaps a golf course, or more likely, both.

The bell sounds. Instead of bolting forward, each contestant tugs urgently at their waistband. Skirts flutter, trousers fall, and honor, like last season’s leaves turning color, fall on the ground. The fastest droppers win — those who pause to consider their shame, or worse, the betterment of their constituents, are already behind. There’s no time for dignity here.

A murmur rises in the chamber, the sound of once-respected figures clumsily justifying why their sudden transformation is not a betrayal but rather a “strategic repositioning.” They mumble phrases like “constituent alignment” and “policy flexibility,” which, translated from political to English, mean “I need this job, and I’ll say anything to hang on to it.”

The next event begins: Ideological Shotput.

Here, the contestants hurl wild policy ideas to see who can land closest to the POTUS’s current mood. One senator throws a proposal to ban electric cars because they are “woke.” Another flings a bill to rename Tuesdays after the Supreme Leader’s childhood dog. A third, desperate for attention, launches legislation to install mandatory flagpoles in every kindergarten cubby. “Patriotism begins with preschool,” he shouts, as aides hand out miniature eagles on sticks.

You watch from a distance as the shotput ideas bounce across the chamber floor like discarded principles and ethics. It’s not about governance anymore — it’s performance art, and the script is written in whatever font polls best with likely voters.

Then comes the Kneel Relay, where the goal is to hit the floor in blind loyalty faster than anyone else. Competitors drop like dominoes. One is so fast he bruises his kneecaps. Another kneels before the question is even asked. A third shatters records by kneeling, saluting, and pledging eternal allegiance in a single fluid motion, choreographed like a halftime show.

And finally, the most visually jarring of all: the Change Color Sprint. Each politician must morph their stated values and identities to match the ever-shifting tones of the party line. Former moderates now glow with the neon heat of extremism. Yesterday’s climate champions suddenly swear allegiance to black coal. Last month’s fiscal hawks are today’s deficit cheerleaders. The only constant is shapeshifting.

Some do it like a graceful liar. Others stumble through half-apologies and contradictory interviews. But none dare stand still — for stillness is political death, and consistency, a liability.

Back in the stadium, the real athletes will cross the finish line. There is no color-changing, no kneeling, no trousers dropping around ankles — just pure effort, grit, and human excellence. You will erupt in applause. You will feel, briefly, proud to be American, and human.

And then you remember the other stadium. The one with the marble columns and gilded ceilings and the thick, humid stench of moral decay. You imagine those so-called leaders, still mid-contortion, still spinning, still trying to out-flatter each other to earn a presidential tweet of approval or avoid being “primaried” into oblivion. You picture them fighting not for policy but for proximity to power, for TV clips, for the next lobbyist check.

And you feel it — not rage, not quite sadness, but something worse: shame.

You leave the stadium. Not the Olympic one, but the grand rotunda of political theater. You slip out a side door, unnoticed, past the marble busts of better men and women, past the plaques commemorating moments when courage still held sway.

Your head is bent. Not because your side lost. Not because the other side won. But because somewhere along the way, the race stopped being about the country and became a sprint toward self-preservation.

On the Capitol floor, the competition continues. And they will keep kneeling, keep shifting, keep disrobing, keep changing colors in new and imaginative ways.

For what?

For power. For platform. For the perceived glory of a headline.

Meanwhile, in the distance, the real race — the one for integrity, for truth, for something resembling leadership — remains stalled at the starting line.

Someone in the front row raised a procedural objection. Something about a transgender athlete.

A shouting match erupts over gender definitions, bathroom policies, and whether chromosomes have term limits. Committees are formed, hearings are scheduled, donors are polled.

The race is postponed. For now, indefinitely.

Ciao, and thanks for reading.