Present is always
struggling to grow
living in the shadows
of the future
and its evil twin,
the past.
What it does not know,
that nothing grows
under the dense canopies
of banyan trees.
What it needs
is to move over
and breath under
blue skies, and be,
mindfully free.
Don’t just walk along
the entire beachfront
it is not meant to be conquered
it would much prefer
that you sit down
and take ten minutes
and have a look
at the clouds, and the horizon
and watch the waves
climbing up the sands
get tired and recede;
And if you do
then maybe someday
the images would become
part of a poem,
turning those ten minutes
into forever.
Sometimes out of blue, words fly across the sky of our consciousness and express what we have been trying to say for a long time and say it so much better.
Such serendipitous moments can happen while reading a book, clicking an innocuous link in some article we have been glancing through.
They could also be epiphanies while
taking a shower and suddenly a vague feeling we have been trying to put into
words finds the magic combination of words.
It happened a few evenings ago while
watching a movie by Woody Allen – Rifkin’s Festival. Towards the end of the movie, the protagonist Mort is
having a conversation with Death and what appears below is the script of that
conversation.
_____
Mort: Why are you here?
Death: To have our final chess game.
Mort: I don't have a chess set.
Death: I never leave home without
mine.
Mort: Why are you doing this?
Death: To give you a chance to
get to know me. To come to terms with me.
Mort: I'll never come in terms with
you.
Death: Then you'll never be able
to relax and enjoy your life.
Mort: Why are you suddenly being so
kind? You're usually ruthless.
Death: I'm not ruthless, I'm
indifferent. I just hate to see a poor schmuck ruin his life over the
inevitable.
Mort: Well, the way I feel this
morning, you could take me right now for all I care.
Death: What's this morning?
Mort: I've had the chance to look at
my life over the last few weeks and...I realized I've made a lot of bad
decisions
Death: Like what?
Mort: Like... Maybe I really was a
snob. A sort of pedantic ass who puts people off with my so-called high-brow
taste. All I know is my wife and I have split and my life has come up empty.
Death: Your life isn't empty,
it's meaningless. Don't confuse those two. It has no meaning for anybody but
that doesn't mean it has to be empty. You are a human being. You can make it
full.
Mort: How?
Death: There's work, family, love
- the usual bullshit, but it's reasonably effective. Even if you strike out
- trying is good for you. Have you ever read "Sisyphus" by Camus?
Mort: Yes, and it gave me a bad
dream. I'm pushing that rock up the hill, over and over, and it keeps falling
back, and then I finally get the rock up to the top of the hill, and then what
the hell do I have? A rock on a hill!
Death: You're starting to get me
depressed.
Mort: Should I just chuck my book
and go back to teaching movies?
Death: I would. Unless you want to
end up with 500 pages of turgid whining.
Mort: And maybe I'm just not a book
writer. Maybe I'm a book reader. Person who likes to think, a teacher. My movie
class was fun. Only...Maybe I was a little too rigid in my approach.
Death: I have to go. A got a million
house calls to make.
Mort: No, wait, wait.
Death: Don't worry, I'll be back one
day and then you'll think it's too soon.
Mort: You'll be back? When?
Death: Depends. Do you smoke?
Mort: No.
Death: The trick is to eat lots of
fruits and vegetables and lay off the saturated fats.
Mort: I do. I'm very careful.
Death: Good. Good. Make sure to
exercise. It doesn't have to be intense as long as it's every day.
Mort: You're fading out.
Death: No processed foods and don't
forget your colonoscopy!
_____
Before starting to watch the movie,
I had no idea that I would be privy to this conversation. The words just hit
home. When the scene in the movie was over, all I could think and say was WOW.
A few sentences in that dialog
sequence hit home – If we don’t come to understand and be at peace with our
mortality, we will never be able to relax and enjoy our life; why ruin our life
over the inevitable; life has no meaning for anybody but that doesn't mean it
has to be empty.
And at the end, the advice from
Death – eat well, live well, and the probability that you will live longer will
get better – also right on the mark.
Perhaps, my mind was in the right
energy state and was primed to be resonant to receive those words. The universe
delivered what I was ready to receive.
Those words of wisdom were also a
validation of thoughts that have been percolating through my mind. The hard
part now is to turn that knowledge, internalize it, live by it, and turn it
into wisdom. Easier said than done.
Ciao.
The thought of retirement can hit
like a hammer and leave us with a feeling of bewilderment, confusion, and
groping in the dark to find a path forward. I am not alone in going through the
trauma of retirement. If the number of podcasts and growing cadre of life
coaches is any indication, there is a tribe of people out there going through
the same emotions.
But why would
the thought of the inevitability of retirement feel so traumatic? Afterall, all of us have gone through transitions in our
life before and have managed them well. What is so special this time?
There are a couple of major
differences between the retirement transition and the transitions we managed
earlier in our lives that make this one special.
In our earlier transitions there was
always something ahead to transition to. We may be leaving something behind, it
was also clear where we were heading for. Finishing high school and leaving for
college filled us up with a sense of excitement about the prospects of the
future. Back then, we were busy building a future identity for ourselves,
learning new skills, dreaming of new destinations.
Earlier transitions also happened at
a time when we were young, and life seemed immortal.
The above two factors differ in retirement
as a life transition.
Retirement is a transition in which
we know what we will be leaving from
but may not know what we are leaving for.
Retirement also happens at a time when we are older, and we are more aware of
our mortality. The thought of death is no longer a vague notion. We become
acutely aware that we have an expiration date, and also, this could very well
be our last act.
As part of transition, we will also leave
many things behind that are dear to us. Our identity, routine, a conduit for
social interaction, a purpose.
The combination of an acute sense of
loss of aspects that work life provided. and our growing awareness of our
mortality, is a potent mixture that makes retirement a traumatic experience.
In a paper in the Canadian Journal of
Counselling and Psychotherapy, the author John W. Osborne (2012) aptly
summarized: “These [psychological] effects [of retirement] include partial identity
disruption, decision paralysis, diminished self trust, experience of a post
retirement void, the search for meaningful engagement in society, development
of a retirement/life structure, the confluence of aging and retirement, death
anxiety, the critical nurturing of social relationships, and
self-actualization.” If we are not prepared, this is a heavy load to carry,
and we can easily come unmoored, feel adrift, and experience the trauma of
retirement. To lessen its bluntness, addressing, and knowing, where we are
heading to is the key.
An important strategy of having
successful retirement and aiming for a smoother transition is (a) recognizing
that retirement is going to happen, and (b) that planning for it is going to
need work and a lot of effort. The earlier these recognitions dawn on us, the
better off we will be when the time comes.
The easiest transition from work to
retirement is when we already have some tried and tested engagements in place
that will carry us forward on the day we retire.
It is good to know that we are not
alone in feeling a sense of anxiety and trauma with the prospect of facing
retirement. There is a tribe of people out there with the same concerns. There
are those who have gone through the same stress, and with adequate preparation,
have come out from the other end feeling reinvigorated.
Retirement may feel like paradise
lost but it can be turned into paradise regained. Thanks to the internet there are
a vast number of resources out there that we can lean on for help.
Ciao.
Some helpful resources:
Journey Through the 6 Stages of Retirement
The Retirement Answer Man Podcast
Retirement Heaven or Hell – Which One Will You
Choose? (Book)
Keys to a Successful Retirement: Staying
Happy, Active, and Productive in Your Retired Years (Book)