Serendipitous Moments

 

Arun Kumar

Sometimes out of blue, words fly across the sky of our consciousness and express what we have been trying to say for a long time and say it so much better.

Such serendipitous moments can happen while reading a book, clicking an innocuous link in some article we have been glancing through.

They could also be epiphanies while taking a shower and suddenly a vague feeling we have been trying to put into words finds the magic combination of words.

It happened a few evenings ago while watching a movie by Woody Allen – Rifkin’s Festival. Towards the end of the movie, the protagonist Mort is having a conversation with Death and what appears below is the script of that conversation.

_____

Mort: Why are you here?

Death: To have our final chess game.

Mort: I don't have a chess set.

Death: I never leave home without mine.

Mort: Why are you doing this?

Death: To give you a chance to get to know me. To come to terms with me.

Mort: I'll never come in terms with you.

Death: Then you'll never be able to relax and enjoy your life.

Mort: Why are you suddenly being so kind? You're usually ruthless.

Death: I'm not ruthless, I'm indifferent. I just hate to see a poor schmuck ruin his life over the inevitable.

Mort: Well, the way I feel this morning, you could take me right now for all I care.

Death: What's this morning?

Mort: I've had the chance to look at my life over the last few weeks and...I realized I've made a lot of bad decisions

Death: Like what?

Mort: Like... Maybe I really was a snob. A sort of pedantic ass who puts people off with my so-called high-brow taste. All I know is my wife and I have split and my life has come up empty.

Death: Your life isn't empty, it's meaningless. Don't confuse those two. It has no meaning for anybody but that doesn't mean it has to be empty. You are a human being. You can make it full.

Mort: How?

Death: There's work, family, love - the usual bullshit, but it's reasonably effective. Even if you strike out - trying is good for you. Have you ever read "Sisyphus" by Camus?

Mort: Yes, and it gave me a bad dream. I'm pushing that rock up the hill, over and over, and it keeps falling back, and then I finally get the rock up to the top of the hill, and then what the hell do I have? A rock on a hill!

Death: You're starting to get me depressed.

Mort: Should I just chuck my book and go back to teaching movies?

Death: I would. Unless you want to end up with 500 pages of turgid whining.

Mort: And maybe I'm just not a book writer. Maybe I'm a book reader. Person who likes to think, a teacher. My movie class was fun. Only...Maybe I was a little too rigid in my approach.

Death: I have to go. A got a million house calls to make.

Mort: No, wait, wait.

Death: Don't worry, I'll be back one day and then you'll think it's too soon.

Mort: You'll be back? When?

Death: Depends. Do you smoke?

Mort: No.

Death: The trick is to eat lots of fruits and vegetables and lay off the saturated fats.

Mort: I do. I'm very careful.

Death: Good. Good. Make sure to exercise. It doesn't have to be intense as long as it's every day.

Mort: You're fading out.

Death: No processed foods and don't forget your colonoscopy!

_____

Before starting to watch the movie, I had no idea that I would be privy to this conversation. The words just hit home. When the scene in the movie was over, all I could think and say was WOW.

A few sentences in that dialog sequence hit home – If we don’t come to understand and be at peace with our mortality, we will never be able to relax and enjoy our life; why ruin our life over the inevitable; life has no meaning for anybody but that doesn't mean it has to be empty.

And at the end, the advice from Death – eat well, live well, and the probability that you will live longer will get better – also right on the mark.

Perhaps, my mind was in the right energy state and was primed to be resonant to receive those words. The universe delivered what I was ready to receive.

Those words of wisdom were also a validation of thoughts that have been percolating through my mind. The hard part now is to turn that knowledge, internalize it, live by it, and turn it into wisdom. Easier said than done.

Ciao.

The trauma of retirement

 

Arun Kumar

 

The thought of retirement can hit like a hammer and leave us with a feeling of bewilderment, confusion, and groping in the dark to find a path forward. I am not alone in going through the trauma of retirement. If the number of podcasts and growing cadre of life coaches is any indication, there is a tribe of people out there going through the same emotions.

 

But why would the thought of the inevitability of retirement feel so traumatic? Afterall, all of us have gone through transitions in our life before and have managed them well. What is so special this time?

 

There are a couple of major differences between the retirement transition and the transitions we managed earlier in our lives that make this one special.

 

In our earlier transitions there was always something ahead to transition to. We may be leaving something behind, it was also clear where we were heading for. Finishing high school and leaving for college filled us up with a sense of excitement about the prospects of the future. Back then, we were busy building a future identity for ourselves, learning new skills, dreaming of new destinations.

 

Earlier transitions also happened at a time when we were young, and life seemed immortal.

 

The above two factors differ in retirement as a life transition.

 

Retirement is a transition in which we know what we will be leaving from but may not know what we are leaving for. Retirement also happens at a time when we are older, and we are more aware of our mortality. The thought of death is no longer a vague notion. We become acutely aware that we have an expiration date, and also, this could very well be our last act.

 

As part of transition, we will also leave many things behind that are dear to us. Our identity, routine, a conduit for social interaction, a purpose.

 

The combination of an acute sense of loss of aspects that work life provided. and our growing awareness of our mortality, is a potent mixture that makes retirement a traumatic experience.

 

In a paper in the Canadian Journal of Counselling and Psychotherapy, the author John W. Osborne (2012) aptly summarized: “These [psychological] effects [of retirement] include partial identity disruption, decision paralysis, diminished self trust, experience of a post retirement void, the search for meaningful engagement in society, development of a retirement/life structure, the confluence of aging and retirement, death anxiety, the critical nurturing of social relationships, and self-actualization.” If we are not prepared, this is a heavy load to carry, and we can easily come unmoored, feel adrift, and experience the trauma of retirement. To lessen its bluntness, addressing, and knowing, where we are heading to is the key.

 

An important strategy of having successful retirement and aiming for a smoother transition is (a) recognizing that retirement is going to happen, and (b) that planning for it is going to need work and a lot of effort. The earlier these recognitions dawn on us, the better off we will be when the time comes.

 

The easiest transition from work to retirement is when we already have some tried and tested engagements in place that will carry us forward on the day we retire.

 

It is good to know that we are not alone in feeling a sense of anxiety and trauma with the prospect of facing retirement. There is a tribe of people out there with the same concerns. There are those who have gone through the same stress, and with adequate preparation, have come out from the other end feeling reinvigorated.

 

Retirement may feel like paradise lost but it can be turned into paradise regained. Thanks to the internet there are a vast number of resources out there that we can lean on for help.

 

Ciao.

 

Some helpful resources:

Journey Through the 6 Stages of Retirement

The Retirement Wisdom Podcast

The Retirement Answer Man Podcast

Retire With Purpose Podcast

Retirement Heaven or Hell – Which One Will You Choose? (Book)

Keys to a Successful Retirement: Staying Happy, Active, and Productive in Your Retired Years (Book)  

The Joy of Alternatives

 

Arun Kumar

Yesterday I sent a few emails that could have cascading consequences down the road in the context of increasing the scope of my work involvements. You see, I have been pondering over the possibility of retirement and sending those emails was not congruent with those thoughts.

I could have held my fingers back and not initiated anything. But I did not and decided to hit the return and send the emails zooming through the internet to their destination.

And then, there are a few other emails that are waiting in the wings that I can send which also have potential for developing into further engagements.

Therein lies a dilemma I am currently introspecting with — I should initiate ideas that could become longer lasting (and engaging) projects and have the potential to draw me back into the universe of work or should I put myself on the cruise control for another year or so and then retire?

In choosing the path of getting engaged in work again lurks the fear that I will be moving away from developing activities outside of work life.

As I found out in the last couple of years the hard way, these activities are essential for (i) transitioning into the next phase (of a finite) life, and (ii) are an insurance of having alternatives at hand to transition into. Having that alternative in hand ensures that if for some reason work life does come to a sudden halt, it will not be a repeat of the shock that it was a few years back.

Therefore, by choosing to continue the work life I do not want to get in a position where I am short of time for the other activities I have been cultivating.

The question I am pondering is whether in choosing the path of re-engaging in work life would I be able to maintain a balance between work and activities outside of work and not return to a place where work was all encompassing and was the sole identity that defined me.

That path of work also conflicts with the daydreams of spending days taking walks on the beach, of cultivating a life of poise and serenity, of being someone sitting at the banks of a gently flowing river and content with watching its flow, i.e., in general, wishing for a life with a slower pace, and with a much smaller portfolio of activities.

In choosing the path of work I also need to ensure that it does not conflict with my cognizant of mortality and not let it get buried under the rat race and politics that work can be. This is needed so the reality of being mortal does surprise me again.

Reminding myself that I am mortal keeps me grounded and humble.

But why do I want to return to work life when I am in a place where thoughts of being retired and the prospect of having an abundance of time is no longer a terrifying prospect.

The simple reason is that my brain still works (which is a good thing!). It can still produce creative ideas that so many of my colleagues cannot.

Going down the old path of work also has other consequences, for example, I am giving away some of my control. I also do not know how long it may last, and therefore, I am taking on some uncertainty.

In addition, by choosing to continue to work, I am also putting my freedom back in the hands of others, for example, my supervisor holding the authority over what I should and should not do. These annoyances are the usual struggles of work life (and its politics).

Is there a path in which (a) if work track ends then unlike the fear I had earlier I would not be thrown out of loop by the thought of needing to retire, (b) I will not be at the mercy of whims of supervisors and colleagues, and © I will not care about the consequences of not engaging in the work politics.

The answer is yes.

The answer is to build a work life that also has time to cultivate alternate paths and is fully aware that there is an alternative path that I can take if work does not pan out. The perfect analogy for such a paradigm of life would be two parallel train tracks with switches, and if needed, I can easily change and leave the track of work behind.

The answer is yes, if I keep a balance in which I continue to cultivate activities outside of work, and further, if I keep reminding myself of mortality so as not to forget that my time on this Earth is finite.

The solution, therefore, is to build a life with two parallel tracks — one for work and one for activities outside of work — giving me the recognition and a sense of freedom that if one path ends, I know an alternative is readily available.

Yet another fear is that if I go down this road there would be that much less time to do other things in life. Examples of activities I want to do include — taking weeks off without having to worry about work deadlines, taking walks on the beach, taking trips. After all, we are not getting any younger. Could this aspect also be remedied? Yes.

The potential solution to alleviate that concern would be to put money we worked hard to save and put it to use and find appropriate solutions and enjoy the pleasures and experiences having access to discretionary cash flow can bring. In other words, put money to work.

Although these are some preliminary ideas, they do bring a sense of comfort and give me a sense of freedom that I have not felt in a long time. They give me space to breathe.

Ciao.

Existential Crisis, the beginning #8

 

On my left stands light
on my right stands death
in between stands I
forever trying to calm
my bewildered breath.