A life with letters

What is better,

to live forever,

or,

live for once, but

fill the moments

with love of letters?

 

Just one more click

 Arun Kumar

Hard as I may try, I have not been able to get away from the desire of being praised, to get noticed for my actions, and in the internet generation, repeatedly check on the number of views on posts.

It is an annoying habit born out of a desire that I am not keen on carrying forward.

I was reminded of this malady, yet again, yesterday. In an interaction with a work colleague, I responded to one of their emails, and in preparing the response did a search on our official policy for including disclaimers on the content we post on web pages. The information I provided was tangible and actionable.

After hitting the send button, I could have moved on, but no, ten minutes after I started to get an urge to check if my colleague responded with a note of thanks. When they did not, there was a sense of disappointment.

And there I was, left facing the outcomes of an old vulnerability – the desire to get noticed.

The desire to be noticed comes in many shades of gray, and in hindsight, always leaves the question behind – why do I continue to carry this need to be acknowledged, recognized, praised, or noticed?

Why is this need so deeply ingrained in me?

It is not an inconsequential desire. Since this desire also generates expectations, fulfillment of which is beyond my control, it also becomes a source of grief and disappointment.

Of course, an evolutionary underpinning of this innate need embedded in my psyche can be provided – the need for recognition is tied up with the evolutionary imperative for procreation – but understanding, and being at peace with the understanding something, are not the same things.

Within me, I carry many similar traits that have been ingrained as the consequence of evolutionary imperative because they gave our ancestors an edge in survival and procreation- rush of adrenaline at the sound of rustling in the grass so we can run away and not get bitten by a snake; a liking for sugar so if there is an opportunity consume calories; preferring immediate gratification over sacrificing for longer term gains because survival is the immediate concern.

These traits sometimes feel like a burden and make my shoulders ache under their weight. Long ago, they once provided an evolutionary edge, but are they needed now?

A practical question, however, is that being a conscious being, why I have not been able shake loose of my evolutionary conditioning that continues to influence my behavior? These behaviors have found niches that did not exist when our ancestors were busy hunting and gathering.

I am quite sure that my ancestors in savannah never sent out an email and felt disappointed when a response did not arrive.

I carry on with these burdens despite being told by ancient frameworks of living that root of our suffering is our cravings and one craving being our innate need to be recognized. This need in our times has also transformed into our cravings for constantly seeking the number of views and likes, driving a red corvette, buying things we do not need, etc.

Although, I carry the knowledge of ancient sages – Buddha, Seneca, Epictetus, Mahabharata - and yet, I carry on nurturing a false premise and do the opposite and leave myself vulnerable and open for disappointments.

Perhaps in the depth of our consciousness there is a false hope that these likes will bring a sense of peace, will conquer our mortality, and while at it, will bring us seven hours of uninterrupted sleep too.

Perhaps we all think that we can conquer all demons and if needed, control our primordial urges.

For now, however, all I tell myself is that just one more click to check number of views, and I promise, it will be the last one until 24 hours from now. And then smile at my naivete.

On the positive side, at least I am cognizant that what I am doing is self-defeating behavior. That is a start.

Ciao.

 Related:

Words of wisdom for blogging without worrying about number of likes

The law of translational symmetry

Thoughts are always walking,

running, slipping and sliding, on a

hedonistic treadmill

caught in the algebra of

translational symmetry

that dictates,

when we get there

it will just be the same 

as here.

I will always be thinking 

what is waiting

to be done in

ten minutes from now. 

How many songs do I need?

 Arun Kumar 

How many songs do I need? 

No, the question is not about my desire for life to serenade me with a constant stream of different songs. The question is about how many songs do I need in my playlist to feel content? 

Could I be content with a mostly static collection of songs I grew up with (and like) OR continuously invest limited time and energy I have to keep up with the vast options of new songs that get released every year to explore ones I may like, and keep expanding my collection until it becomes an unmanageable digital clutter?

If music was my vocation, then maybe, yes. But even then, I read that there are about 60,000 new songs that are uploaded on Spotify each day. Really! That is truly an overwhelming number. 

This question touches on a new source of angst that comes to us from many directions – the fear of missing out (the FOMO) on things we do not know about (but have a vague notion that they just might have the potential for improving the quality of our life).

Can we be content with what we have or will always be on the hedonistic treadmill of acquiring new songs? How much mental capacity do we need to invest to keep up with changes that are continuously taking shape around us?

The overarching question is to know when we have enough to make us feel content and be at peace with the universe, with ourselves, with the flow of time, with our being in the here and now. 

When it is time to grace the feeling of Nirvana. To feel the gentle rhythm of life and universal connectedness playing in our ears without an urge to chase everything that suits my fancy.

Does the answer lay in the following path for a mindful life? Buddhism and learning the right perspectives to keep us grounded and anchored in the attitude that what we have is enough. Understanding that our “wants” are just a reflection of an unsettled mind?

The irony of how many songs do I need in my collection is that it is only occasionally I listen to what I already have and am “generally” happy with the experience. And yet, at other times, I feel the sentiment that by not keeping up with the latest, I am missing out on something “sublime” and which has potential for changing my life for something much better. 

In the age of the internet, our sense of missing out is highly accentuated by the constant flow of information through our consciousness. Subscriptions to blog feeds and weekly newsletters, keeping up with various social media platforms and news feeds, keeps our attention flitting from one byte of information to the another. 

In the end, we keep adding to our collection of things “to read” or to “get familiar”. Our Inbox that 500 unread messages saved to read; the bookmarks have overflowed and the container is bursting at its seam.

The burden of keeping up with various perceived commitments starts to feel like a crushing burden. A sense of panic that things in our life are getting out of our control.

One day, the only sane option is a mass delete that unburdens us from the guilt of having to see good intentions not being followed through.

Should I succumb to the urge that I should be growing my playlist with the latest songs? I could just rely on an effortless approach of occasional updates when a song catches my attention while watching a movie or listening to credits of some show and follow up on it. Should I?

Yes, I should. 

Life is too short to spread our attention too thin. There is no point being jack of all trades and master none. There is no sense of pleasure and achievement in that. There is no peace of mind for continuously being on the hedonistic treadmill. In the end, all that “Brownian motion” that our attention goes through will ultimately make us feel worn.

It is better to be selective and focus on a few. A positive aspect of the interconnectedness of everything allows us to branch out into other areas and explore, as needed. However, we do not need to keep up with everything continuously. 

It is better to have few islands to return to after flying high and exploring. We do not need to continuously seek new places to land.

Developing this attitude also requires being at peace with letting things go. Be at peace with not being at unease that we do not know everything there is to know.

Learn to feel light and nimble and not as if being suffocated by the onslaught of information, and by an urge to keep up with multitude of things. This is a no-win situation. Letting go of FOMO could make space for equanimity. 

Chasing too many things is an impossible endeavor and a path of angst.

And while we are learning to do so, in the moments of doubt, we should remind ourselves of the opening lines of a poem by William Blake:

To see a World in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a Wild Flower 

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand 

And Eternity in an hour.