Just one more click

 Arun Kumar

Hard as I may try, I have not been able to get away from the desire of being praised, to get noticed for my actions, and in the internet generation, repeatedly check on the number of views on posts.

It is an annoying habit born out of a desire that I am not keen on carrying forward.

I was reminded of this malady, yet again, yesterday. In an interaction with a work colleague, I responded to one of their emails, and in preparing the response did a search on our official policy for including disclaimers on the content we post on web pages. The information I provided was tangible and actionable.

After hitting the send button, I could have moved on, but no, ten minutes after I started to get an urge to check if my colleague responded with a note of thanks. When they did not, there was a sense of disappointment.

And there I was, left facing the outcomes of an old vulnerability – the desire to get noticed.

The desire to be noticed comes in many shades of gray, and in hindsight, always leaves the question behind – why do I continue to carry this need to be acknowledged, recognized, praised, or noticed?

Why is this need so deeply ingrained in me?

It is not an inconsequential desire. Since this desire also generates expectations, fulfillment of which is beyond my control, it also becomes a source of grief and disappointment.

Of course, an evolutionary underpinning of this innate need embedded in my psyche can be provided – the need for recognition is tied up with the evolutionary imperative for procreation – but understanding, and being at peace with the understanding something, are not the same things.

Within me, I carry many similar traits that have been ingrained as the consequence of evolutionary imperative because they gave our ancestors an edge in survival and procreation- rush of adrenaline at the sound of rustling in the grass so we can run away and not get bitten by a snake; a liking for sugar so if there is an opportunity consume calories; preferring immediate gratification over sacrificing for longer term gains because survival is the immediate concern.

These traits sometimes feel like a burden and make my shoulders ache under their weight. Long ago, they once provided an evolutionary edge, but are they needed now?

A practical question, however, is that being a conscious being, why I have not been able shake loose of my evolutionary conditioning that continues to influence my behavior? These behaviors have found niches that did not exist when our ancestors were busy hunting and gathering.

I am quite sure that my ancestors in savannah never sent out an email and felt disappointed when a response did not arrive.

I carry on with these burdens despite being told by ancient frameworks of living that root of our suffering is our cravings and one craving being our innate need to be recognized. This need in our times has also transformed into our cravings for constantly seeking the number of views and likes, driving a red corvette, buying things we do not need, etc.

Although, I carry the knowledge of ancient sages – Buddha, Seneca, Epictetus, Mahabharata - and yet, I carry on nurturing a false premise and do the opposite and leave myself vulnerable and open for disappointments.

Perhaps in the depth of our consciousness there is a false hope that these likes will bring a sense of peace, will conquer our mortality, and while at it, will bring us seven hours of uninterrupted sleep too.

Perhaps we all think that we can conquer all demons and if needed, control our primordial urges.

For now, however, all I tell myself is that just one more click to check number of views, and I promise, it will be the last one until 24 hours from now. And then smile at my naivete.

On the positive side, at least I am cognizant that what I am doing is self-defeating behavior. That is a start.

Ciao.

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