Building a framework for living #12: Other consequences of portfolio of engagements

 

Arun Kumar

When I walk in the woods it engages different senses and stirs different perspectives – seeing the magic of sunlight filtering down through the leaves; hearing the sound of wind rustling in between the trees; a sense of wonder at the resilience of living beings as branches bend every other way to reach for the sunlight; or like it happened recently, coming across the skin of a snake left behind next to the trail. 

We have often come across the shed skin of the snake (also known as ecdysis; ek-de-ses), but this time seeing the skin made me wonder when was the snake here and how long it took for it to go through this transition, and in the end, did it take on a new identity?

In our own life, we go through several changes of skin over time. For us, leaving the old skin behind and getting into a new one could be a long or a short process. It could be easy or exhausting. The result at the end is a change in our identity, an improved v2.0 us, we hope.

If we look back at our lives, some of these transitions happen as part of the normal process of growing up, others may be self-initiated, still others may be forced on us.

A big transition in the generation I live in is retirement, at least, for some of us. One day after working for 30-40 years, we leave a curated identity behind, and walk out of door naked.

The skin we leave behind is not only our identity, but is also our social connection, hooks to anchor the passage of time, a purpose in our life. Suddenly on the day of retirement, all is shed in one swoop.

If you are lucky to have a retirement party, and as one by one colleagues leave and the hall starts to empty, the finality of the change, and its consequences, starts to hit consciousness. 

At the end of the evening, after making several trips to the car with an odd assortment of gifts given to us, we walk out, look back one more time, and feeling naked start driving home.

If we did not prepare over time and left a new skin at home to slide into, the process of finding another skin begins. Whether we succeed or not depends on our internal resources, and unfortunately, not all of us may be up to the task.

But a little guide on how to go about finding a new skin, a new identity, may help.

First, start with considering what would I like the new skin to have? 

At the minimum, in the new skin I am looking for, I would like to have some of the same spots as the one I left behind.  

To get one, I can go the local mall and hope that one of the stores sells one (wishful thinking), and failing that, I need to stitch one together. Do I even know how to make one? I don’t think so.

It is something I have not been coached upon. In some of the major transitions I have gone through earlier, as I shed one skin and stepped through the door, all I had to do was to put on the new one that was left there for me.

When I finished high school, I knew I was headed for college. When I finished college and my student days were over, I knew that it was time to find a job and transition into that. That was followed by efforts to continue to have a stable job and advancing the career. 

In each of these transitions, I knew what the new identity was going to be.

And now that it's time to retire, I do not have the luxury to step out of my present skin and step out of the door to find a new one to slip into. I am sure that none of the farewell presents I will receive will have new skin for a gift.

This time I am on my own and must learn ways to stitch together new skin that fits over the old bones. After much deliberation, and in the process often feeling lost, not knowing where to even start, the idea I have settled on is that the starting step in the process is to develop an appropriate portfolio of engagements.

The items inside my portfolio of engagements (PoE), aka, bag of holdings, are some curated items that will have the intentionality to align with what I value. 

These items, once part of my routine after retirement, are going to take me through the process of developing a new identity. 

The advantages and consequences of having the right PoE, besides making my time on the Earth well lived, are sundry and include the following.

1. The engagements will give me an identity. One day if I were to come across some old colleague in the local supermarket and get asked, "What you are doing after retirement”, I would have a ready answer.

2. The engagements, by aligning with my values, will be self-motivating.

3. By the same virtue, the engagements also will give me a purpose. The purpose being the realization of my values.

4. The engagements will give my day a sense of structure. 

5. The engagements will urge me to get out of bed and look forward to the day.

6. At the end of the day, when I look back, the engagements will make me say that it was a day well spent and I will not mind repeating it tomorrow. After saying that, I can drift into a restful sleep. Further, if days feel well spent then by extension, the engagements will also make me feel that life was well lived.

7.  All of the above put together will bring a sense of equanimity and a fulfilling life, which in turn, will ease the angst of mortality (a note – a curious side note about retirement is that with it comes the bonus realization that it is the last act. Needing to look at the life expectancy table to figure out what the required minimum distribution from the retirement plan is going to be, does not help.)

That is a long list of positive side effects. What more you can ask from the bag of holdings

And so, these are the consequences of curating the right portfolio of engagements.

It was a gorgeous spring day and it felt beautiful to be outdoors on the trail. Following the analogy of the snake, I am slowly developing the PoE and getting into a new skin of my own. The difference is that snake changes its entire skin at one go, it is happening in bits and pieces for me, and also, is taking far longer. But for now, I am in no hurry.

Ciao.

Summary

1. It is important to realize that to have a fulfilling life, the activities in our portfolio of engagements should align with our values.

2. The advantages and consequences of having the right portfolio of engagements, besides making my time on the Earth well lived, are sundry.

3. The engagements will give us an identity; they are self-motivating; they give a sense of structure and purpose.

4. All consequences put together bring a sense of equanimity and a fulfilling life, which in turn, eases the angst of mortality.

Related

Building a framework for living #1: Becoming aware of mortality

Building a framework for living #2: The basic premise for its need

Building a framework for living #3: Follow the advice from stoics

Building a framework for living #4: The basic principles

Building a framework for living #5: Working with the fundamental unit that makes a life

Building a framework for living #6: The alchemy of fulfilling days

Building a framework for living #7: The yardstick for fulfilling days

Building a framework for living #8: What makes a day anyway?

Building a framework for living #9: A strategy to make a day well lived

Building a framework for living #10: Choosing right engagements to make a day well lived.

Building a framework for living #11: Need for aligning engagements with our values

Building a framework for living #11: Need for aligning engagements with our values

 

Arun Kumar 

Have you ever driven a car whose wheels are not properly aligned? If yes, do you recall what it feels like? 

Remember the feeling of such a car having its own mind. It always wants to go in one direction, and you must force the steering wheel in the opposite direction to keep it from veering away from the road. It feels like driving cross-eyed - the steering hints that the car should be heading straight, but it wants to veer right. 

If you ignore the misalignment and keep driving the consequence is that the treads on the tires get worn off in a hurry and soon you would be spending hard earned money for a new set of tires. If the underlying problem, i.e., misalignment, is not corrected, the cycle repeats. 

 

Something similar happens if the various parts of life are not in alignment. It is particularly true for the choices we make that are the engine of various facets of our life. 

 

The choices we are talking about are the activities to put into our portfolio of engagements. The choice is important because our portfolio of engagements determines if at the end of our journey we were to look back, would we be able to say that it was a life well lived.  

Waiting for your entire life to pass before we have the chance to confront that question is a risky proposition. If we were wrong in the choices we made, it may be too late to make any mends.

How about considering something more tangible? What if we evaluate whether at the end of the day there is a sense of well-being that whispers that our day is well lived? 

 

To make the right choices such that they lead to the sense of days well lived, one needs to have certain criteria against which to weigh options that are available to us for spending the hours during the day.  

 

We can choose to exercise. We can read a book and learn something new. We can go for a walk in nature. Or we can sit in front of the TV all day and step out once to pick up the mail and hurry back in during a commercial break. We can cook a simple, yet a healthy meal or opt to heat up a frozen entree. 

Which options to pick and put  in our magic bag of holdings and how to go about deciding the right from wrong? 

One criterion to make choices that would be right for us is to measure them against our values. If we value our health, then the right choice is to exercise. If we have a growth mindset, the right choice would be to invest time in reading and learning. 

On a single day choosing between distinct options may sound innocuous and consequences may not pass the meh test but repeated day after day that become a month and then turn into years, the consequences of making wrong choices could be profound. 

If we do opt to make choices that align with our values, the resulting portfolio of engagements played out during the day either brings us closer to our values or may result in actually realizing our values. If that happens then our choices in the portfolio of engagements, and our values, are in good alignment. It is then it feels like that the time in the day was well spent.  

It is then the car we are driving heads down the road of life, we arrive at the destination without its parts not wearing off. 

It is the right alignment between distinct parts of life that also brings the sense of being wholesome, gives us a sense of serenity, allows us to feel connected with the universe, and makes us feel that we are where we need to be. 

It is the right alignment that brings the feeling that the moments given to us are a gift that we are grateful for. And with that gift we are no longer afraid of the knowledge that one day that gift shall end because we put that gift to good use.

On the other hand, if choices we make do not align with the values we have, the consequences are unpleasant. There are words to describe what ensues in such a scenario - cognitive dissonance, intrapsychic depression, existential crises etc. 

We might have a growth mindset but if we opt to choose to be immersed in watching TV or flitting through one website to another on majority of days, then the conflict between what we value and what we do will eventually result in cognitive dissonance and a feeling of being adrift, empty, having no purpose. 

The same misalignment may also result in intrapsychic depression that results from our unconscious conflicts, feelings of guilt or inadequacy, or a sense of disconnection from one's inner self that values one thing but is not able to steer the life properly. 

Misalignment can easily result in or amplify the feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, and a lack of meaning or purpose in life, and if left unchecked, could wear us out.  

Does this not sound very much like a misaligned car wearing down the tires in a hurry? A misaligned portfolio of engagements can also wear down our psyche, and our life in a hurry. 

Why should we consciously make choices that do not align with our values? Possibly we are not quite aware of our own values. Perhaps there are other alternatives that are much easier to follow and like water we follow the path of least resistance.  

Oh well, we all are fallible and make mistakes but get the chance to correct. If I take my car to the shop and get the wheels aligned, things can be changed.  

The message is that I better build a portfolio of engagements that align with my values, because if I don’t, I may regret when it is too late to do anything about it.

Ciao.  

Summary

1. If various facets of our life are not aligned then like a misaligned car, our mental and physical treads wear out in a hurry.

2. And therefore, there is the need to make right choices for the activities in our portfolio of engagements that are the drive of our life.

3. A way to do that is to align our engagements with our values.

4. It is the right alignment between distinct parts of life that brings the sense of being wholesome, gives us a sense of serenity, allows us to feel connected with the universe, and makes us feel that we are where we need to be. 

Related:

Building a framework for living #1: Becoming aware of mortality

Building a framework for living #2: The basic premise for its need

Building a framework for living #3: Follow the advice from stoics

Building a framework for living #4: The basic principles

Building a framework for living #5: Working with the fundamental unit that makes a life

Building a framework for living #6: The alchemy of fulfilling days

Building a framework for living #7: The yardstick for fulfilling days

Building a framework for living #8: What makes a day anyway?

Building a framework for living #9: A strategy to make a day well lived

Building a framework for living #10: Choosing right engagements to make a day well lived.

Winter means

 

... a layering of clothes,
and needing to molt
throughout the day -
one skin when inside home;
another changed into
for afternoon strolls;
and yet another
when heading to
the neighborhood Kohl’s.

And then,
there is the constant fidgeting
of tying of shoelaces
by gloved hands,
an annoyingly arduous task.

Few months into the winter
dance dreams of
greener pastures.

Snow weary hearts

 

Watching the bed of Tulips
red and yellow
standing proud and tall
in my neighbor's yard
across the street

makes me hopeful
that the winter is
almost over,

and soon,

we would be shedding clothes

crowding in malls
and outdoor cafes
wearing low cut tops
and matching shorts

and let the warm breezes heal
our snow weary hearts.